Letters From An Everyday Pilgrim

the wall crumbles

2011-10-20T15:54:00.005-04:00

I've been stateside for over six months now and it has been quite the adventure. I have had my highs and lows, good days and bad days, and practically everything in between.

I'm writing this from a building on Carson-Newman's campus where I'm pursuing my master's degree in mental health counseling. The Lord is using these classes as something of a mirror in my life as a way to explore the depth of who I am, or have been for so long.

I think most people see me as a decently positive person with most of my act together, though most days I don't feel like that. I have been discovering long hidden parts of my life that, for whatever reason, have remained hidden. In these closets and cellars I find that my beliefs concerning myself are of failure, that my efforts always fall short and that I'll never really find peace in life.

It's almost as if I need to fail.

Awhile ago I wrote a post about God inviting me on a journey to discover who I really am. In that post I described seeing a wall very early in the process of being torn down. I remember writing that post and being so excited to see what lay ahead. I have learned that seeing what is ahead and journeying to it are slightly different experiences. The process of stepping across and around those fallen stones is scary. It's scary to leave how you've looked at the world for so long and entrusting your entire self to His goodness.

It's a must. Along this path I've had the pleasure of beginning a pursuit of the most amazing girl I've had the pleasure to meet. To submit myself to my past perspectives is to risk her and all the insights God has given me to this point.

I made a comment recently about how the pain is what makes a journey or adventure distinct from just traveling. If there is no pain, no growth, you're not on a journey or an adventure. You may be traveling, but most likely just sleep-walking.

I'm waking up. It's a long process and it hurts. The irrationality of fear and anxiety know few bounds. Perfect love drives out fear. That is Truth.

The more I wrestle the more I learn and the more I learn the more I just seek rest, to just be.

The amazing thing about grace is that it's just like a huge net. It's so obvious that it captures us, yet the more we wrestle in it, the more we fight it, the more entangled we become. The more we claw and tear, the more it envelops us, the closer it holds us. Slowly, day after day, it disarms us.

I told Emily that and she added that in this process it begins to hold us so tightly that we can't even fight anymore. Ultimately we are faced with the choice to try and fight or merely rest.

May we rest in it. May we rest in the arms of a Savior who purchased us by His blood. May we hope solely in Him.

expectantly

2011-01-17T15:51:00.005-05:00

I've been trying to figure out for sometime now how to start this message. The following is my decision.

This will most likely be my last update from South America. Next week, the 26th, I leave Peru and head to the United States. It's been roughly 22 months since I left.

I've given much thought to what makes something successful, what gives it value and worth.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I'll mention it again. I used to think of my time here as the defining moments of my life. I came down here with the mindset that I was going to do something amazing for God, that at some point the entire world was going to hit their knees in repentance because of something I did or said. Really, that I would finally find worth or value in my life.

For a long time, success was found in whether or not my expectations came to pass as I saw them. I started to realize that my expectations weren't the only acceptable and viable possibilities for my time here. I began to realize that this time wasn't going to be the time I had imagined.

The question became, if my time looked different than I had imagined, was it still successful? What gives it success?

All this time the Lord had been working faithfully in my heart. I had seen it and had fought it because it didn't fit with my rebellious attitude. I wanted to see God work, sure, but only in the ways I wanted.

When I arrived in Iquitos for the last time these thoughts were weighing on me quite a bit. If I came back to the States without baptizing anyone, would my term still be a success? If I came back without planting a church, would my term still be a success? If I was the only thing I could 100% say I saw changed, would that be enough?

One night I found these thoughts to be particularly overwhelming. I asked, pleaded with the Lord to tell me why He brought me here when all I saw was me changed. I had had so many great dreams and expectations and all He did was change me.

The response I received was humbling and life changing.

"If I brought you down here just to change you, what is that to you? I called you down here and you obeyed and I honored that. My plans are my own."

I realized that in my frailty, in my lack of faith and my pride and rebellion, I had brought my expectations and subscribed fully to them, never allowing His to enter. In this breaking moment, I learned that this was the lesson, He called me down here so I could learn about myself and that He could change me. He brought me here so I could realize that I didn't have to live life shaping myself in how I perceived myself in others' opinions.

I came with big plans and I learned that the Lord's biggest plan was to change me. It wasn't always an easy road. I learned firsthand that testimonies aren't cheap. So often we are drawn to the "big" testimonies. However, even the "mundane" testimonies, if they are truly from God and involve His working in someone's life, are equally powerful and painful for those who bear that witness.

I learned that God is more interested with our personal character than notches on our spiritual belts, our integrity more than our soul count. Frankly, evangelism, all these things are its if they do not come from a life of character, integrity, and responsibility that is firmly founded on the Cornerstone of Jesus Christ.

As I come back, I don't I'm not the person who came down here. It's weird to think how much I've grown and changed. It is only by the grace of God.

"I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am" -John Newton

That, I think, is a good way of summing it up. So, at the end of this life changing time, I hope we can all realize that the Lord is never through with us, that each moment defines the next, and that ultimately He defines them all. May we follow faithfully as He faithfully pursues us.

Please pray for me and for all my friends as we return to our homes, realizing that our ultimate home is heavenly. Please petition safe travel for us, for our familes, and for all of those whom we love and love us in return. It's been good, it's been real.

leadership

2010-12-04T11:07:00.002-05:00

I chose this title because, as you can probably imagine, this will be my definitive post on leadership and what it means to be a leader.

Not quite.

This will, however, be a hodgepodge of my thoughts on leadership and how they relate to other things I've talked about, things I'm in the process of learning, and things I ultimately hope to attain.

I've been reading several very challenging books recently. I mentioned previously The Starfish Manifesto by Wolfgang Simpson which is a free download that I highly recommend. The other is Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola (www.ptmin.org). I also highly recommend it.

Many of these thoughts are mentioned in those books, but, as they are just letters representing ideas in a book, ultimately took root and found depth in my heart and mind.

I have been thinking a lot about leadership in the Church and what that entails. I have been convinced for a LONG time that the Bible gives us clear examples and frameworks for leadership in the Church, but often we choose to ignore those instructions for our own deeply rooted traditions.

I think, always, Jesus must be the starting point for our ideas on leadership, if for no other reason than He is who we claim to follow. If we start with Him as the central point (as it should be), I think we will really be challenged in our thinking.

Jesus always taught by example (Luke 9-10). Jesus never told His disciples what to do without first doing it Himself. For me, this is huge and further illustrates Jesus' thoughts on wordly leadership structures.

"42 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all." -Mark 10:42-44

I'm sure there's a fancy philosophical term for what Jesus does here, but either, I don't remember it or I don't know it. You can take your pick. I'll call it a point-counterpoint. The Gentiles exercise their authority over their underlings because of their title. The contrast is how the greatest among us (which I also read as those with maturity and leadership) will be those who spend themselves for others.

I think this is an interesting point. If everyone is serving, no one can set himself up over another. There is constant, mutual submission. Delegation is not from the top down, but from mutual sacrifice and edification. That is a huge perspective shift. Businesses, government, even the military are run from a strict top-down system. Jesus confirms this and tells us we are not to be the same. I think that has huge implications for the daily practice of our faith.

If Jesus was correct, and our churches do in fact operate by a top down structure, are we in the right?

One of the points I was able to draw from this thinking that really cemented it in my mind was along the lines of being what you want to teach others. Since much of my time has been spent learning about the many facets of integrity, that was naturally where this thought process progressed.

I do firmly believe that you can only teach, train, disciple another person to be that which you already are. You can't teach someone to be a great carpenter if you yourself lack experience. I think that's a good point. I can't teach someone responsibility or integrity unless I myself act with responsibility and integrity DAILY. It has to be part of my character, not just a hobby or something in which I dabble. It has to DEFINE me.

If we look at some key passages about elders in the Church (1 Tim. 5:17-21; Titus 1:5-9). The things that jump out at me are the levels of integrity necessary to help guide the Body of Christ in right teaching, right living, and be true and faithful to the Head. In that type of communal living that was literally part of the DNA of the 1st century Church, sinfulness and doing wrong were obvious. I think it speaks of rebuking an elder on account of no fewer than 2 or 3 witnsesses because they, 1) understand integrity and responsibility, and 2) if they were caught in some sin they also understood, because of 1, the almost greater responsibility they had for their actions as ones charged with decision making.

To true lead, we must be truly full of integrity. It doesn't work any other way. We should lead by our example and our words, by self-sacrifice and service. I hope I was able to draw the lines between integrity and servant leadership like my mind did.

The question I'm left with is this, Are true accountability and true integrity mutually exclusive entities? Is there some way to have one without the other?

For a news update. I am currently in Iquitos, Peru until the end of my term. Well, at least until my mom comes for a visit in January. I hope this post finds you all well this holiday season. Enjoy it, thanking God for the many blessings He has given us, and may we continue to seek Him and His Truth more and more every day.

(un)rebellion

2010-11-01T09:13:00.002-04:00

In an earlier post I mentioned how I would be approaching a specific topic more frequently in the future. I think that time has arrived.

I have been reading a book called "The Starfish Manifesto." It is available as a free download here. It has really opened my eyes to a lot of things and given substance to many more. It is written from a perspective--more than a perspective really--that the Lord has recently revealed to me.

Anyway, I highly recommend it.

Obedience has long been a theme of my time in South America. I have grown in it, failed at it, and definitely learned more about it and the cost of following Christ. I firmly believe that God has called me to a specific purpose in planting and renewing His Church wherever I find myself.

That being said, I also think that we are given clear examples and instructions in the Bible on how the Church should be in life and practice. However, when I look around me, it's not that practice I see.

The Biblical expression of the Church is best seen (for me at least) in Acts 2:42-4.

⁴² They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. ⁴³ Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. ⁴⁴ All the believers were together and had everything in common. ⁴⁵ They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. ⁴⁶ Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, ⁴⁷ praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

During His time on earth Jesus gave us an example and model for "doing Church." Over the years, beginning with the Church fathers and continuing on through Martin Luther, John Calvin, and D. L. Moody (among other "heroes" of the faith), we have added our own traditions and called them good and sometimes even inspired. The implication of the latter is that if you disagree, you are in sin.

It's like God gave us a great way of doing things, but something about it wasn't good enough for us. It's something I hadn't thought about until recently.

So often, we trust God for our salvation, but not with our lives (I think that is a classic way of saying with it). We trust God for remission, but we refuse our submission (if you like rhymes). The traditional way of "doing church" emphasizes the remission of sins and on the surface, perhaps, even talks about submission to God. I don't think there is any greater example of this than in how we "do" Church. We have established a forgiveness cult and neglected complete and total submission to God's Word and the examples therein, essentially saying, "Forgiveness yes, but dying to self? That's a bit extreme isn't it?"

What I have found in my own life is strikingly different and I think many of you will agree. I trust God for what He can give me, forgiveness for my sins. Yet, the other side of the coin and equally important is our submission to His authority in my life. I have discovered that yeah, forgiveness is cool and God is cool... but only if He lets me down what I want to do.

Far too often this is encouraged by our traditional backgrounds. With little to no accountability, our only requirements are to complete a checklist. Even with great intentions, we are often missing an incredible amount of the Kingdom of God, because for all intensive purposes it just isn't around. If we read that part of Acts 2 and take that as a pretty good example of an expression of God's Kingdom alive and active on earth, just how much of that (honestly!) do we see around us?

I'm just going to throw this out there. I know in many cases it will be thrown right back, but here it goes anyway. I can see from my broken family background that I have reacted by choosing to rebel against any and every authority. I always saw myself as being more or less obedient to God. I am not convinced that "more or less" is a good way to define obedience. Can you count on someone who "more or less" does what you tell them to or would you look to someone else to absolutely do the job?

Yet we see with the structure around us that this is something we don't squash instantly. When community is held as a lofty ideal, it's hard for us to really imagine attaining and contuining in it. The thing about things that may seem idealistic in this world is that they aren't ideals to God. They are realities and they are often commands. And this is one of them.

My rebellion to God's authority on my life has been open rebellion in His eyes, yet cleverly masked to me. I found it still, by grace, masked behind my limited obedience. I'll do the things that make me look good, that give me pleasure, that give me the semblance of a true disciple, all the while reserving a small portion for me--for the way I want to live.

We are called to repentance upon the revelation and knowledge of our sin. This is one of those times. May we repent, and by grace, repent well, ultimately dying completely to ourselves and asking the hard questions. Questions like, "what does the Bride look like," "what is my role in the Body," "what is the Lord calling me to do?"

Are we trully willing to "become even more undignified than this" in order to turn this world upside down? To me, that is the ultimate question.

a sea of beginnings

2010-10-10T21:54:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking a lot recently. That's really nothing new, but with the last quarter of my term nearly halved, it has once again been invigorated.

I came to South America thinking a lot of things. I came thinking that I would save the world, that people, young and old, would hit their knees in worship because of my presence. I came thinking that this would be the fulfillment of my life, that it was for this purpose I was created. I used to think this would be the ultimate measure of my manhood, personhood, and, perhaps more than anything, my disciple status.

What I've learned in contrast is something quite larger in scope.

I haven't saved the world. In fact, one of the main things I've had etched into my heart is that I can't. Sure, I understand the fact of the Great COmmission, but the idea that North Americans are going to save the world is absurd. Jesus is going to save the world and He's going to do it through His Church, not just the parts that we think have more responsibility or a greater amount of self-righteousness. More than anything our responsibility is to be obedient to the calling He has placed in our lives.

My life has been fulfilled, but it hasn't been perfected. I came thinking that everyday of my life culminated in these two years. And to a degree that's true, but frankly, that's a small view of life. I was born for this moment, sure, but I was also born for the moments that will come because of this one and all the ones before it. That's not to say that this moment, or any of them before it, are small. They aren't because God's hand has been all over them, reaching down from the Throne itself. That makes them a huge deal, bigger than we can know or imagine.

Everyday after this one will be further perfection of my life by the hands of God. I'm thankful for that. I want to be a better person, a better man, a better friend, a better disciple. God has grown me incredibly in the last 18 months and I can't wait to see whatever He has in store for the rest of my time on this planet. This was another step in the process of bringing glory to His name and I'm thankful I've been a part of it up to now (and beyond).

I've been tested, but it's not the ultimate test. Throughout this time, there have been difficulties of all shapes and sizes. Most of them weren't the ones I imagined when I first arrived, at least not in the degrees I had assigned them. This time here has definitely drawn me through the fire and revealed my heart, my strengths, my weaknesses, and where the Lord is continuing to work in my life. It's been good. But like I said before, my life doesn't appear to be over quite yet. There will be many more trials, many more fires, and many more decisions to follow and obey or choose my own way. The grace in that is beautiful to me. It's painful at times, but everything worth doing has at least an element of sacrifice and pain. Each day that passes I will become more than man, person, and disciple that He has created me to be, that He died for me to become.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." -1 Corinthians 13:12

I long to be that man, the one that knows and is fully known. That will be an amazing day.

In a lot of ways, I saw my time in South America as a pool of ends. Final exams, final projects, and finally measuring up. What I've come to realize is that we can't view life this way, with such a tiny field of vision. Everyday offers a host of opportunities to succeed, impact, and make a huge difference in the world, even if it's just your corner of it. My time here has shown me that, while each moment may be fulfilling the previous, they are never completed until we arrive in Glory. Therein lies the beauty.

We are always standing on the shore of the rest of our lives. We are redeemed and we have a Guide who is more than capable. The opportunities are endless. Every moment has potential to be a new beginning, a new adventure, a whole new journey that we never expected. We should always find ourselves standing next to a sea of beginnings. There will be pain and trouble, but we were never promised an easy road. No where in all of Scripture does Jesus say, "follow me and life will be easy." Even that makes us better people, all for His glory.

God has changed my view entirely on His Bride, has grown me in more areas than I can count or label, and has further made me someone who desires only His will in my life. To be honest, if this is the culmination, I'm not content, I want more of Him, more of these lessons in my life--until He is truly valued above all in my life.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

With a little under four months left in my time down here, I'm really excited to see what the Lord has planned, how He desires to use me. This is not the last post.

In other news, I recently returned from Puerto Iguazu, Argentina, home of Iguazu Falls, where I saw my mom and stepdad for the first time in 18 months. It was a really good, eye-opening time. This is just one shot from that trip.

Please pray that I finish my time here strong, in a way that brings glory to the Lord. A lot of times, when there isn't much time left, it's easy to slack off and just do whatever, but I really want to finish in a way that is full of integrity and maturity. Please also pray for Doug as he begins working in a new role.

some of the recent past and now too

2010-09-17T16:32:00.003-04:00

So, I apologize for the lack of update. Here is what has been going on.

In August we returned to the River Madre de Dios in Peru to visit some churches that the team planted several years ago. Doug and I had a great time with the believers, working alongside them, encouraging them, and getting to know them. It was our first time in the river and, for me, it was really eye opening in many ways.

I won't get into a lot of details because I'd be writing all day. There were definitely some amazing moments and some challenging moments. God really opened my eyes to a lot of things. He showed me the importance of continued discipleship and the amazing role that real, deep friendships play in that. It's not just the words we speak, but it's how we live our lives. Discipleship, in essence, isn't so much teaching people the right things to believe as teaching them the right Way to live. The Way we live flows directly from the things we believe. They are not mutually exclusive.

The beauty of it, is that the Gospel is beautifully simple and profound in its depth. The believers that live in these river systems, to our standards, aren't well educated, but that doesn't hinder them from following Jesus daily. And it shouldn't. Jesus chose fisherman, blue collar men, to be His Apostles. Everything about them came from Him. That's cool stuff.

The thing that struck me the most was in the last community we visited. There's a man living there that is in his 70's. He has no family and lives by himself in a small house. When this people group was uncontacted living deep in the jungle, he was just a boy. He became one of their greatest warriors during his lifetime. When the Gospel arrived in their community ~5 years ago, he began to follow Jesus. I had been told he was an example of simple faith, but I couldn't exactly imagine what that mean or what it looked like.

We spent roughly a week in this community. Every morning one of the ladies in the community would ask us to carry water for her. Practically every morning (and some evenings after a bath in the river) we would walk by his house and he would be talking, conversing as if the person was right there with him. It was totally in his language, but he was talking to Jesus. If he wasn't talking you could hear him singing (still in their language) songs to very familiar tunes ("this is the day that the Lord has made...").

It blew the doors off my heart in a way. When I talk to Jesus it's, even now, something awfully formal. I understand that Jesus is my Lord, but He's also my friend. If I bless my food, I can find a way to church that up also. Yet this man, talked to Jesus as if He were right there. Even when we say that, the implication is that He isn't. Yet Scripture tells us that He is always with us. Why should we treat Him as if He were not?

In the first community, which was further from the commercial centers,I was reminded of something that I sometimes take for granted. It's not the first time I've heard this, but this time it hit home. Howler monkeys. I don't really know how to describe the sound they make. It's like a grumbling roar, almost forlorn, like gravel being rolled around in a cement mixer, but different. We woke up one morning and were watching/helping some of the guys build a boat and I heard the sound. I had heard it first in the River Putumayo, and it stuck. This time, again, it stuck. It's almost mesmerizing for me when I hear it. It's really cool.

It just reminded me that God has certainly brought me here. He has allowed me to experience a lot of things that many people will never get to see or hear or experience. It reminds me of how grateful I should be all the time.

At this point, I only lack very little over 4 months in my time in South America. It has been hard, grueling at times, yet the Lord has totally changed me through it. Thank you for your continued prayer and support. Here in about 2.5 hours I am leaving for vacation with some very special people. I'll post more about that at a later date.

Please continue to pray for Doug and I as we continue to seek the Lord and His will for our time here. May it be that way and not just cliches and expressions that we throw out there--may we seriously and intently search for Him.

Sunset over the river.

integrity

2010-07-27T12:13:00.004-04:00

I've said it a lot, but my time here has been full of learning. More than anything else, learning and growing. It hasn't always been easy, but He has always been faithful, and that makes all the difference.

I have become sure of many things, and unsure of others.

One of the things that has impacted me the most is being a person of character, namely, integrity. That takes many forms, and one of the things of which I've become more convinced is that every day I am responsible for making the most of the choices that come to me.

Recently, the opportunity was presented to me to return to Peru in order to work with the churches that my team has planted in the past. I struggled with this decision a lot. A whole lot. However, in the end I felt God calling me to integrity, to fulfilling my commitments. His hand is certainly at work, even if I don't see it, or, better said, try to ignore it. I am really excited to be down here. Encouraging others is a gift the Lord has given me and I'm excited to see how He is going to use it to edify His Bride and build her up for the good works He has prepared for her in advance.

God really does work all things to the good of those who love Him.

I was curious what the Bible said about integrity so I just searched the word (it's 2010 after all) and it was rather enlightening.

The verse that really stuck out to me was when the religious leaders tried to trap Jesus by asking Him whether or not it was right to pay taxes to Caesar.

¹⁴They came to him and said, "Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not? ¹⁵Should we pay or shouldn't we?" -Mark 12:14-15

They said Jesus was a man of integrity because He didn't allow other peoples' status to influence Him, He just spoke the Truth. He didn't change who He was or what God had called Him to say just because someone seemed or looked important.

I guess in other words, He was obedient to God. Period.

I think we are all called, first and foremost, to obedience. That is the calling given to us all, and there is no higher calling (nor, for that matter, any lower calling). I firmly believe that the call to obedience is amazing, if for no other reason, than that it comes directly from the Throne of God. And, for that reason, every call to obedience is the highest call because of the Source, not because of the message.

May we be obedient in all we do, every day.

"Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God." -Jim Elliot

This is the one of 2 inhabited calderas (read craters) in the world and the only one that is cultivated by the residents. The mound above the farmland is the actual dome where the lava came out. It is 5km wide. It's actually classified as a cloud forest because of the unique environment created by the crater.

Please pray for us as we encourage our brothers and sisters in these communities. We desire to see God move among them and glorify Himself through us and through them.

conviction and heart.

2010-06-12T13:07:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking a lot recently. I think (also) that I've started about 20 blog posts with that same sentence. It's very possible that I lack creativity, but I prefer saying I'm saving the originality and depth for the heart of the post.

When I was in college I picked up a communication minor because I like to talk to people and it was easy. I figured that was a slam dunk for success. While studying communication I was able to put into words a lot of things I already understood. I learned that there is a way to say something, everything really, so that those around you get the point but aren't offended. It's not being politically correct, it's being sensitive to those around you.

Walking with Jesus I have learned that there are times when things need to be said. Looking at His example, I desire to follow it. Those who were religious for its own sake, builders of their personal kingdoms, He shot down with Truth bathed in bluntness (and for their own good is my thinking; contrary to popular belief this is still Love, however tough it may be). However, for those who were seeking, struggling, dying He communicated to them with such heartfelt compassion that those of us truly seeking to understand His love and mercy are drawn to those examples.

During my time in South America, I have learned a great many things. Many about myself, many about life and people, and many about the Body of Christ and our way of doing things.

On this last trip, while riding in the back of a lumber truck leaving the jungle the Spirit asked me, "Who else do you know is having this opportunity right now?" Very few people. I don't say this to brag by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm realizing that the Lord has called me and spoken to me many things for which I have become responsible to communicate with Love to others.

I have learned that if we are to truly know God by following Christ, His written Word must be our guide in all things. I have become convicted and further convinced that so many things we do (while claiming to be people of His word) fall far short of the mark up to which we claim to live. Jesus and the Apostles give us many examples of what Body Life (being the Church) should look like and most all of those we throw aside.

I am using the collective we, because day by day I find myself just as guilty as the next person, if not worse. We show what we love by where we put our money. Where do I put mine?

I understand I am coming home with a changed person, a changed heart, a changed mind, and many, many changed beliefs.

I am no longer convinced that the way we have always done things is the best way. When I read the book of Acts, I don't see what, so often, we claim to be as "it," or "church." I have learned that the between knowledge of the Kingdom and obedience in the Kingdom only one of those has any value. I can have all the knowledge in the world and be the most disobedient person alive, however, with obedience, there is real knowledge, real intimacy with the Father that books and lectures can't teach us.

And so when I read the book of Acts, when I reflect on the model Jesus handed down to us, and when I see how the Lord has worked in my own life these new beliefs have become a matter of obedience to me.

Yet I am torn. For so long I have been raised in a traditional church, yet the Lord has grown me in my love for His Bride. I will share what I have learned. I will challenge others around me and in turn be challenged my them.

There will be more on this in the future. I'm not sure when, it depends on the Lord's leading. If you have any questions about what I might be talking about please email me or message me on facebook.

traveling, economically.

2010-05-27T10:38:00.002-04:00

So, I've debated for the last 30 seconds how I should set this post up. Should I put the serious part first, or the funnier part? It's been quite the struggle in my mind, but I've decided that if you are faithful enough to read the funny part, you'll take the request seriously still.

That being said, here is a blog update.

This month (May) we had our team's annual meeting in Lima, Peru. My passport, at this point, is full of Ecuador and Peru stamps, but that's another story altogether. Because we are in Ecuador, we, of course, had to make our way to Peru.

The most economical way to travel here, well, at least from Ecuador to Peru (specifically Quito) is by bus. I'm not going to say the buses are of a poor quality, but they aren't anything overly fancy either. That being said, here is how our journey went.

We left Quito at 3pm on a Monday. Normally, from Quito to Loja, it should be 12-13 hours, give or take. It took us 22. We got into the mountains and the people there had decided to protest something. I should have realized it was a bad sign when I saw the police in riot gear, but I didn't think anything of it. They dispersed the protestors because it was getting dark and the traffic began to move: 20 minutes lost. However, later that night, 1am (we are talking about an overnight bus) to be exact, I heard the bus engine go off. When I looked out the window there were some police lights flashing and a semi parked perpendicular across the road. Not good, especially when the police left. No one was allowed to pass until 6am that morning.

A couple of hours later, we got stopped by another blockade. This one was only for a couple of hours, thankfully, but it was still kind of a hassle. The crazy thing about it is that usually they don't let anyone pass. Period. It doesn't matter how inconvenienced you are. They only let ambulances pass. However, we managed to get through and only burn about 9 hours. At this point, it's Tuesday.

Once we arrived in Loja, we found out that the bus that crosses the border left, at earliest, at 11pm. Since it was bright and early in the morning (10am-ish) we got a room at a hotel and took hot showers and ate. Definitely worth it. We ended up waiting there for about 13 hours or so before the bus finally left. The border crossing went smoothly, at 4am, and we found ourselves in Peru at about 6am that Wednesday.

The buses to Lima (also overnight) left at 3pm. Fortunately, this bus line is the nicest in Peru. Cruz del Sur if you ever find yourself in that neighborhood. We got on and it was smooth sailing to Lima. We arrived that Thursday.

The team meeting went great. I was super encouraged and reenergized. It was a great few days and passed all too quickly. It amazes me how He designed His Body to function in the perfect manner--that all would be lifted up. We were able to climb a pretty fun mountain (the video and pictures are on my facebook should you like to peruse them) as well.

When it was time to leave Lima, we hopped on a bus that goes straight to Guayaquil, Ecuador. Stops at the border and everything. It costs a little more, but still tons less than plane tickets. We were making really good time until we were two hours away from the border and the bus pulls over. May it be noted that we are in the middle of the Peruvian desert. There isn't a town for MILES and it's about 90 degrees or so and we don't have tons of water. Speaking of water, turns out the water pump on the bus broke. They managed to get a new one on a taxi (the power of cell phones) and have it shipped to us. When it arrived, 7 hours later, everyone was just a little on edge. They got it installed and we made for the border and Guayaquil. We got there at 1am. To this day I've never been on a bus owned by this company that has been anywhere near on time. I'm still holding out hope.

We got a taxi to a hostel and stayed the night and left for Quito at 10am. The return trip was still shorter than going there, somehow. That being said, we made it to Quito more or less on time. They said 8 hours, it was 8.5. That's not bad down here.

That is how you save money on travel. However, if you have fixed plans and are crunched for time, doesn't really work too well.

Please keep us in your prayers. This weekend we are going up river to investigate. Please pray that the Lord's will would be done, that He would keep us safe, and that we would make the decisions He would have us make. Our only desire is to serve Him where He wants us to be. May His will be done and may He continue to grow us all into His glorious image.

Our bus in the desert.

tear down the walls

2010-05-03T15:28:00.005-04:00

The past 4 months have been borderline crazy. After Christmas, I returned to Peru to do an investigation trip for a couple of weeks. After THAT, a bunch of us came to Ecuador and started a training for our team. Our trainings last for three months and we just finished a few days ago.

It was a crazy three months. I never imagined what all goes into making them happen. It was very tiring, but very worth it. The Lord has been faithful to me through thick and thin and grown me like crazy.

During this past four months the Lord has been revealing to me a ton about who I am.

"1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." -Colossians 3:1-4

That is the passage that started it all, or at very least described the process I was undergoing.

It reached its culmination one day, about two weeks ago now, while I was sitting in my hammock. I was thinking about the past, about all the things I've done to impress people, to make people like me, to cover up my perceived shortcomings and I was embarrassed. Flat out Embarrassed.

Embarrassment in itself isn't much more than a reaction. I began, however, to think about it and realized that it wasn't just embarrassment. In that moment, I could feel the Lord looking into the depths of my heart. It was awkward, yet strangely relieving, knowing that He know. Yet in the same moment, I realized that the fig leaves I had relied on for so long would never suffice to cover my nakedness.

It was at this point I saw myself holding a chisel, standing in front of a stone wall. The wall had several holes already in it and the sun was pouring through them into the shade, yet the rest was covered in shadow. I knew I had two options, drop the chisel and live in my own little world that didn't exist, or continue tearing the wall into rubble. However, it wasn't a real choice. I had to keep tearing down the wall, making more holes, reducing it to rubble. It wasn't a choice, because I knew about the wall, it had become something for which I alone was wholly responsible.

Sure there were other events in my life that shaped me and brought me to different crossroads, but my decisions piled up the stones. To continue to live in the shadow of "ignorance" would be disobedience, nothing less. When I was unaware of it, perhaps, I was less responsible for it, but upon knowing, I became responsible. It was a call to obedience. I was called out.

So the wall will continue to go down. I will continue to seek Him through and it be defined by Him. I know I will encounter many things that may not be to my liking or things might remain unknown, but I also know there is so great a need for grace in all things, especially this. I will become vulnerable to life. I will stop playing and actually live.

I will seek to become the type of man that honors Him above all else, casting aside the praises of men for the praises of God. It was for this purpose we were created, and for this purpose I desire to live.

This requires, of course, that I truly die to myself and my desires. It amazes me how in all things He draws us to Him, how in all experiences, His loving hand is seen.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." -Luke 9:24

Please pray that we will be obedient to His leading, that we will be able to fill up our team with guys who want to be obedient to the Lord, and that I would finish this eight months strongly and for His glory.

a strange day in the life...

2010-04-03T16:44:00.005-04:00

Most days here are quite normal. I have gone several months and managed to avoid all manner of weirdness. You let your guard down. You just do. It's a natural response.

Two days ago however, I was put back on my toes.

We were out at the guys camp teaching a class on church planting. All was going well. We were making great progress, when, out of the jungle walked 4 police officers. Usually, when the officers are in the cities, their guns aren't loaded. This time, however, they were quite obviously loaded. We got the usual, "who are you," "do the owners know you are here," questions like that. You get quite used to that sort of stuff. Most gringos are here for tourism and when you stumble upon their camp in the jungle, it's kinda strange.

We didn't have any documents on us of course. I had my phone and my friend had the keys to the house. We figured it would be whatever and they would leave. It turns out that the day before the guys in the training crossed a boundary line and ended up on the property of a farm owned by the police. Subsequently they came to investigate what was going on.

Because we didn't any documents on us, all of the "foreigners" got to go visit their little house on the highway. From there, they proceeded to call immigrations. They main points of that call were that they had uncovered a "sect" with 2 teachers and 5 "disciples" (those were the words they used). Good times up to this point. Remember we still had no documents.

Upon the arrival of immigrations, the debate became whether or not we needed to go into town with them which, of course, they insisted we did. We asked them how we would get back since we didn't have any money and they told us, "this isn't a taxi." One of the other officers offered to give us some money so we could get back, but he never did.

We rode in the back of an immigrations truck into town. Let it be noted that we were wearing rubber boots, covered in mud, and sweaty. We got into the office and myself and one of the other guys were free to go because we had visas. The other two, however, on tourist visas had to answer some more questions. After they explained to us the intricacies of tourism and what it entails. "Tourism is when you go somewhere and spend money."

At this point we began to realize they probably just wanted to get a bribe. They didn't receive one and finally just told us to get lost. Seriously. Get lost.

We left and went to a restaurant we frequent to ask for some money. He made us eat and gave us the money, but also told everyone in the restaurant about what happened. I had an offer to be in the newspaper for all of it, but declined. I'd rather avoid those kinds of problems.

We left and caught a bus back. Eight kilometers before our house, the bus turned off the main road. We got off and started walking. I was burned in 20 minutes. This is the equator we are talking about, it doesn't take much. We walked for about 15-20 min. until we found a taxi which brought us to the house. That is more or less the story.

It's amazing to me, though, how we get comfortable where we find ourselves. Then, all of a sudden, something happens and we freak out or get mad when, in reality, we should always be in a place where we are ready and open to what is in front of us.

We get into our ruts and we continue there until something shakes it out of us. I sometimes wonder that, as Christians, if our lives should ever be in ruts to begin with. We travel a trail that isn't well trodden and the general nature of the Gospel should compel us to the places least traveled.

Food for thought.

Please continue to pray for our team's training that is underway, for the guys in it, that they would be obedient to the Lord's call in their lives (whatever that may be).

back to Ecuador

2010-01-24T10:42:00.002-05:00

I hope this post finds everyone well. I keep meaning to send out an email update, but haven't had sufficient access to a computer capable of doing all that (macs or computers without windows).

All that being said, my last trip went really well. We did a lot of research and learned a ton about the river we explored. Everything from demographics to openness to the Gospel. I learned a lot as well. It's amazing how the Lord uses everything to change us; even those things we try so hard to do for Him. It's also amazing to think that the path of Obedience not only furthers His Kingdom around us, but also within us.

I feel like sometimes we forget we are part of His Kingdom and therefore subject to His transforming powers. It's a beautiful reminder that He not only wants to save us, but grow us and change us as well--a furthering of His Kingdom.

Today I leave for Ecuador again. We are doing a training with some nationals who have the desire to carry the Gospel where it has never been. It's going to be an intense 3 months, but I'm confident the Lord has some amazing plans for it.

Please pray:
That He would be glorified.
That I would get a partner out of this training.
For all the communities we entered on this last trip.
For the Mount Zion church in one of those communities. They desire to take the Gospel throughout their river.

sincerest apologies

2009-12-29T16:42:00.003-05:00

It has been forever since my last post and for that I apologize.

There has been stuff going on. A couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to visit a people group in the southern part of Ecuador. Historically they are known for shrinking heads in order to obtain spiritual power from their enemies. At this point, they know longer take people's heads, but they still have a deep need spiritually.

It was an eye opening trip. Please pray for this group; that the Lord would open doors for His word to reach them with power and authority.

Later this week I am flying to Peru and back to the jungle. I don't know how long I'll be there, but there will be a trip involved. I don't know any details, but please pray that we would be well accepted and that we would travel safe and do what He has planned for us.

It has been a learning time recently. There have been hardships and blessings and all of those blessings at times seem to have been hardships. The good news in all this is that the Lord has been my strength through all of it.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, for you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance." -James 1:2-3

It seems life always comes back to this verse. In the difficulties He is there and there is so much comfort in that. I know it is changing me, I can see it more and more everyday. The more my flesh fights, the more His grace overcomes me. That amazes me more and more every day.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas and that the Lord blesses you in the coming year. I pray all of you would seek His face and His will for your lives and that you would obey whatever it is He calls you to.

Please pray that:

We would continue to seek Him in all things, even when they don't go according to our plans.
Our families would indeed be comforted by the Great Comforter during this holiday season.
Those whom the Lord has called us to reach would open their hearts to His Gospel message.
We would continue to be safe in His will in ALL things.

patience is a virtue

2009-11-01T13:36:00.002-05:00

It has been sometime since my last update, but I hope this one finds you all well and in His arms.

The past few weeks have been another lesson in patience and waiting. Often times, I feel, in our busy American lives, we see waiting as a waste of time or, better put, a squandering of OUR time. I am learning to see waiting in a new light.

It is tempting to want to rush and force things, but the inherent danger there is that we rush into places where we don't belong, or force issues that aren't the Plan. There are countless references in Scripture to waiting for the Lord. Psalm 27 is one in particular I find very helpful.

No matter what happens, what we come up against, we wait on His timing, His will, His goodness to bring us through. We can choose to force issues and seek our own way, but they will fail us. They may not bring us to ruin, but in light of His good, pleasing, and perfect will, they will be shown as failings. There are countless examples in the Bible of people choosing to accomplish His will in THEIR strength. From Jacob and Esau to David in Achisch, we see these examples.

What could have been written had they relied on Him? What will heaven record about us in similar circumstances?

This is a challenge to myself and to you all as well. That is also my prayer request for this post. That we would continue to wait on the Lord and His perfect timing in all things.

cuando el rio esta seco...

2009-10-10T18:56:00.004-04:00

Just got back recently from a week long trip up the river. It was an investigation trip, but as usual, the Lord never ceases to teach me something about His faithfulness and provision in our lives.

As I said in my newsletter, we entered a community deep in the jungle. It was a seven hour boat ride up a mostly dry river. There is a good chance we walked about three of the seven hours. It began raining as the sun went down and the clouds were back lit by the moon. The puddles in between reflected the gray making for some very uneasy steps on the slippery stones. It was a long day and quite discouraging, but as it got darker God used something beautiful to really brighten my day.

Along the bank, from the water level to about three feet up, there were hundreds of little fireflies. They stayed lit most of the time, but that plus the gray light from the moon was breathtaking. Walking up river in virgin rain forest with three foot walls of lights on either side and a light mist in the cool gray night. God used this display of His glory and beauty reflected in Creation to brighten my day. It was amazing.

We arrived at the community well after dark and ended up being asked to leave the following day because the people didn't want to divide the community. They were also under the impression that if we stayed, their priest wouldn't return.

That night one of the men came and talked to us and we found out these reasons, more detailed than we imagined about why we were supposed to leave. In community life, if one of the people doesn't agree, the whole community doesn't agree. These reasons were sufficient for a couple of people to say, "no" to us staying.

In his eyes and body language you could see his absolute spiritual starvation. He desired to hear the Gospel message, but because of the fear of some living under a religious system, he is currently unable to have an opportunity to respond. Please remember him and the others in this community that desperately desire to learn the ways of the Living God but are hindered from doing so by oppressive religious systems that thrive on fear rather than faith, hope, and love. Please also remember those worldwide who are hindered from hearing the Gospel message because of their government, family, or cultural context.

Every decision that we had to make while we were out the Lord provided a way. Many times, we had no idea what we should do, but each time, after we prayed about the decision and waited up to a couple of hours, someone would show up with one of the exact options. When we were asked to leave the community we were trying to decide if we should go one community down or return to one of the hub villages. We prayed about it and about an hour later someone came up and informed us that we would be going back to the hub village at 6:30 the next morning. Just flat out told us. It is amazing how the Lord stretches us, but His continuous provision never fails.

"Do all that you have in mind," his armor-bearer said. "Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul." -1 Sam. 14:7
This takes place when Jonathan goes against the Philistines just him and his armor-bearer. It reminds me how sometimes God's plans seem totally crazy and out of control, but how we must live obediently like Jonathan's armor-bearer. He knew the cost, but he bid his master continue saying, "I am with you heart and soul." May we display the same dedication to the Gospel and to our Lord Jesus Christ.

From our house hunting near the beach

Please pray that:

This people would be open to the Gospel message and that the Lord would speak to them through dreams, visions, or whatever means He sees fit.
The spirit of fear in their lives would be replaced with the Spirit of Knowledge and of the Truth.
The Lord would continue to change our own lives as He uses to impact the lives of others.

live from Esmeraldas

2009-09-27T16:47:00.002-04:00

So here we are. Well, here I am. Esmeraldas is on the western side of Ecuador. We are looking for places to live to begin our work here. I wouldn't believe how hard looking for a place to live can be unless I was doing it. We could definitely use your prayers in this hunt. That God would guide us and we would make the best possible decision.

At the end of this week I'm going to be heading up river for a couple of weeks to begin doing some research into our target people. I'll spend at least two weeks in their communities, learning about them and working with them in hopes to build some great relationships and find a man of peace with whom we can begin sharing the Truth of Jesus Christ.

Things have been going well here. While we were in Quito we visited the equator. We happened to visit in on the fall equinox which is apparently a big deal here. In the States we have 12 hours of daylight and dark respectively, but here that is the case all the time. The difference is that on the equinox you lose your shadow (in that it is as your feet) for about 3 min. If you would like to see the pictures from that just click here.

Also, if you want to see all my pictures from Ecuador, click here.

This is a short update, but at the moment, I don't have what is necessary to send out an update. I really do long for your prayers. It has been said that all great movements of God are proceeded by His people going forth on their knees. For this very reason I ask that you stand in the gap for us and intercede with your prayers. Prayer works and is effective beyond what we can imagine. Thank you so much for all your support.

Here are some prayer requests:

For the people we are engaging, that their hearts would be open and that God would begin to speak to them in dreams and visions. These are very powerful in the lives, minds, and hearts of animistic peoples.
For us as we continue to look for places to live and travel. That we would be sensitive to His will before our own.
For myself and my partner as we venture up river to contact those who live deep in the jungle.

a new post

2009-08-29T15:09:00.002-04:00

There were times when I never thought this post would happen. Three months in a new environment (terrain, climate, etc.) is trying, but guess what? God is there.

It's been a tough three months, but I have been stretched and grown in ways that I'm not sure I ever would have imagined before training.

One of the main things I have learned and am continuing to learn is that the Call of Christ is more than coasting through life. I have always felt that, not in a tooting my own horn kind of way, I have had enough intelligence and gifting (or whatever) that with nominal effort I could do whatever was needed to get by in life.

I am seeing, more and more, everyday that Boenhoffer was correct, "When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die." And more than that, his words echo the words of Christ Himself, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it" (Mt. 16:25) and "If anyone would come after me, he must take up his cross daily and follow me" (Lk. 9:23).

May we never forget these challenging passages. That is my prayer for myself and for all of you as well--that we would be a people so focused on Him, we would see the "hardships" in life in light of the splendor and majesty of the Lord.

I don't know exactly what the future holds at this point. I'll probably be moving to a new country to work among a new people. I won't put all those details here, but in the coming weeks I'll be emailing an update.

Thank you so much for all your prayers. They were felt. Please continue to pray for me, my teammates, and also the people among whom we will be working.

lessons from running

2009-05-19T19:15:00.003-04:00

I am by no means an avid runner. I took up running because my job recommended/required it.

However, I have learned some interesting lessons from my outings that have shown themselves over and over.

Some days, I felt like my legs just didn't want to work. They would cramp and hurt and just feel awful. There was always this voice saying, "Keep going, don't stop now. Just make it to the next sign and we'll go from there."

I have found that type of lesson over and over now that I am in Guatemala. It's been quite a journey, and now that I am about to leave for another destination, I can see these lessons quite clearly.

With sickness, it has been especially evident. A lot of times it is really easy to have these romantic views of mission work, and I suspect there is an element of that is true. However, there is also these things called Traveler's Diarrhea, amoeba, parasites, among others, that aren't very romantic, and certainly aren't fun.

The first case of this was difficult. As with anything that saps your strength and makes you feel like garbage, you get frustrated. However, I could hear that voice again.

The most recent case of whatever was last night. I ate supper and felt my stomach grow rather uneasy. I tried to ignore it, but about an hour later, I saw supper AND lunch again. Not fun. I was nauseous and had stomach cramps for most of the night, even though I managed to find sleep. However, the morning didn't bring much relief.

At about 3:30pm I took a nap, and woke up and felt miraculously better. One of those naps where everything is black and you "sleep it off" as the figure of speech goes.

Throughout it, however, I heard that voice encouraging me, keeping me going. It is a blessing for sure. Knowing that the Lord is with you and guiding you is more than enough when things are awful.

That being said, if I am sick off and on like this for the next two years, it's going to be hard.

But there is that voice, "Make it through this bump and we'll see what's next. WE can do this."

I hope this brings you encouragement for your day. His presence and His strength are sufficient.

“If you make it a life calling to go a hard place in the world and do a hard thing and have joy in God, not in circumstance, Christ will shine brightly off of you." -John Piper

All this being said, I leave for Peru on Sunday morning. It should be interesting. This will be my last post for about three months as I'll be living in the jungle with no technology.

That's about all the information I have right now. Thank you for your prayers!

Please pray:

That my last week here would be filled with His presence and that I would be obedient to His voice.
That I would have safe travel and health upon arrival in country and during training.
That my team and those I leave in Guatemala would continue to seek Him first.

how beautiful is Your unfailing love...

2009-05-05T15:01:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. It has been quite busy here.

With language study and our recent vacay, it's a wonder I've found time to think beyond it. Here it is though.

Language study continues to go well. I am learning more everyday. Where it all fits in my brain, I have no idea. I hope more of it continues to stick. It's been a frustrating few days, but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The cost of obedience is ALWAYS self. It's a beautiful truth I am learning, and I hope it centers around Him always.

Here are some pictures from our recent trip to El Salvador

Sunset on the beach.

Big rocks, same sunset.

Results of the equatorial sun. Sorry mom.

I continue to covet your prayers. I will work on getting an update out as soon as humanly possible. I hope this update finds you all well.

(as before, the link for my photo album on facebook is here)

Please pray

That language acquisition would continue to progress.
That we would make the most of every opportunity.
That Christ would be exalted in our bodies.
That I would be as prepared as possible for my team's training and that I would know the Creation Story by heart.

language learning is muy dificil

2009-04-18T21:29:00.004-04:00

So, I am writing this in an internet cafe in the village in which I live.

They weren't lying about total immersion. My family speaks hardly any English. It's a learning process, but it's going well thus far. I am learning a ton about Spanish and some of it I actually remember for more than five minutes.

You don't realize how much you rely on language until you don't know the one that is needed in your situation. It's very much like blowing my knee out, except I can still walk this time. If I need to say something important, not so much.

God is faithful. I wish I could say I was learning tons of stuff everyday, but I find myself being encouraged by Him through my time in the Word. It's hard sometimes because, often, there is a lot of noise outside. This morning was good and I was able to spend some quality time with Him.

It has been good thus far. I am excited to see what will happen in the future. I have been able to have some really good talks with my teacher about faith and God. We have talked about salvation and how our actions play into that. We have talked about the saints and their place in our walk with Jesus. And finally, we talked about what happens when one dies, whether you go straight to heaven or are in the ground until Jesus comes back. It was really cool, and God really showed me that it's OK if I don't have all the answers. Sometimes being able to translate difficult theological ideas isn't what is needed. My humanity and struggles are just as important as whatever wisdom may have been revealed to me.

That being said...

Here is a brief tour of everything going on in my life currently.

This is my room.

This is where I learn Spanish for four hours a day.

This is where I study Spanish for another two hours a day.

There are also some pictures from our volcano trip on facebook. If you want to see that album, go here.

Please remember:

My team as we continue to adjust and learn language. It is quite similar to drinking from a fire hose. We long to communicate well, and would love to remember more information.
Our host families and teachers as we attempt to shine well for our Lord. Pray that we would be effective ministers of the Gospel and that all our conversations would be seasoned with salt and full of the Spirit.
Us as we attempt to overcome culture shock and maintain a Godly witness and that we would stay in the Word and in communion with the Father.

where sky and water meet...

2009-04-09T20:16:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting time at home. I find myself ever more ready to go, but the feelings associated with it are more and more present the more I find readiness. It's an interesting spectrum I'm wading in, but, as I've said a thousand times, He is good and He is faithful.

I was listening to the radio at one point and the lady was discussing the idea of self-esteem in our culture. She was talking about how we raise our kids to have good or high self-esteem. In doing this, we have done whatever it takes to make our kids happy. We give them whatever we want and never really give much thought to what we are doing.

She then noted there is a stark difference between self-esteem and self-respect. Self-esteem, in essence, is the esteeming of one's self. It makes every attempt to make itself worthy. Worthy of affection, gifts, love, etc. Self-respect, in contrast, is accepting who you are, as you are. Allowing yourself to be who you intrinsically are--weaknesses and all.

I found myself growing up with "poor self-esteem" and always tried to gloss over them or buff them out somehow. So I found myself driving and thinking about this concept and what it meant for me. How do we deal with our shortcomings?

The conclusion I arrived at was that our weaknesses and shortcomings are in fact opportunities for God to glorify Himself in our lives. We are new creations, but we aren't superheroes. To claim ourselves to be such focuses all of our success on ourselves and displaces God in a role that greatly exalts Him.

^"9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

And then that verse made perfect sense. There is a great freedom in that realization.

That's just one thing I realized while at home. I have also realized much about my unworthiness and His blood giving me worth. He is worth all this and more. It has been a humbling time, but I am ready to get out there and get started.

I have so many things I want to do and I desire His to know His Holy Spirit working in and through me and accomplish His will. I want to be faithful with what has been entrusted to me.

Sunday morning I'll be flying. This will most likely be my last blog update until I arrive in Guatemala.

Please pray that:

The remaining time would be seasoned with salt, full of grace, and quality goodbyes.
Our time in Guatemala would be full of unity and love, that we might be Jesus to our host families and the new friends we will make.
That language acquisition in Guatemala would be strong and I would show obedience and perseverance in my team's training.
The Lord would raise up men of peace among my people (Luke 10) and even now begin breaking the bonds of animism among them.
That, above all, we would abide in Christ.

transitional thoughts

2009-04-01T12:08:00.002-04:00

I will confess that this has been an interesting time of transition. Interesting is one word I use to describe it, though it is not at all sufficient in scope. That said, please don't let it dictate fully my demeanor.

It has been an interesting time, but also a difficult time. Another confession, I'm very human and struggle with times of transition. I am reminded of Jim Elliot when he said, "wherever you are, be all there." It is definitely something I have taken to heart. I know how my personality works, how it looks toward the future and forgets the present.

I visited some old friends at Starbucks and had a pretty interesting experience on the way home. Recently, I have been pondering the holiness and otherness of God. In many animistic cultures (most all cultures is my understanding) there is a High Creator God who is extremely far away and unapproachable. Something about this, in light of Scripture and Christ, makes perfect sin.

Sin has separated us from the Creator. There is an immeasurable, impassable chasm that is between us and Him. Yet, in light of this, He made a way through His Son that we should be reconciled to Him. The chasm became passable through the blood of Christ. He became our High Priest and Mediator.

It was one of those moments where you become instantly aware of your insignificance in light of His supremacy. There is grace and love in that. He gives us Life for His glory. It's beautiful.

I say all this to also say I'm learning a fair amount about prayer. I asked God to show me His holiness, to help me get a little grasp on it, and He did and is.

I've been reading this little book called Effective Prayer by J. Oswald Sanders of the China Inland Mission (old book, just the way I like them). He says that "...faith is not credulity, it is confidence." Meaning, so often we pray hoping God will meet our needs and requests, but not confident in His ability or intent. It really showed me how, in my rational worldview, I hope God responds and how surprised I often am when He does. I want to walk by faith, in confidence in our Lord and Savior. I want to have the confidence that doesn't rely on my senses, but on the promises of God.

Please pray that:

OUR faith (yours, too) might more and more reflect His promises in the Word.
The rest of my time at home would be full of His refining fire.
That even now, among my people, persons of peace would begin to emerge by the moving of the Holy Spirit.

p.s. I just realized after however long my blog has been up there is a misspelled word in the title. Turns out I can't have confidence in my very limited design skills. Praise God for showing us our humanity! :)

home is where the heart is

2009-03-27T09:23:00.003-04:00

Wow. Two months can really fly by if you aren't careful.

I am home (Clinton) for a couple of weeks before I fly to language school. My time in Richmond was more than blessed. The Lord stretched me in ways I never imagined. In areas of discipline, knowledge of the Word, wisdom, all of it, I have been stretched and grown.

In addition to this, I have found myself among dear friends. I am honored to be their friend, but more than that, I am honored to be their brother. We truly send out quality people to proclaim the Gospel of our Lord Jesus.

I thank you for your prayers and desire them still. This time of transition has been unique. God has proven Himself faithful time and again. From general stress and culture shock to my mamaw's passing, He has been there. It's been an amazing time!

I have learned an amazing amount about church planting and cross-cultural discipleship. I can't wait to begin utilizing everything I've learned in growing the Kingdom. It is truly a blessing to be serving the Lord and our denomination in this way. We are incredibly blessed in our missionary task.

If any of you would like to be more involved in seeing the Nations hearing about Jesus, please let me know. I would love to encourage, pray, or facilitate you or your congregation's involvement in our part of the Great Commission.

Please know that I consider it an honor to serve the Body of Christ in this way.

Please pray:

That our conversations before we leave would be seasoned with salt and honoring to the Father.
That we would make the most of every opportunity with those around us.
That we would not lose our passion or be distracted by the things of this world.

"²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20-21

...as good as dead...

2009-03-14T18:15:00.002-04:00

We had our regional time recently. It was a really good time. Difficult at points, but He is faithful. It was good to see how we, as a region, have bonded in Christ. It is a deep fellowship and very encouraging.

We were going through Hebrews 11 and were talking about faith (obviously, right?). I kept getting stuck on this one particular verse. After the writer talks about Sarah's faith, he goes on to speak of Abraham again.

^"12And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore."

I kept looking for another verse, but it kept coming back to this one. It struck me. "...and he as good as dead..." For some reason I felt like maybe God was communicating to me through this verse, but noting my cognizance of that, I thought maybe not.

I couldn't get away from it either way.

Abraham was essentially dead when he was given Isaac. He was over 70 years old.

And I see myself in that. Before Christ, I was "dead in my transgressions" (Eph. 2:1). Much like Abraham, I was given life through a promise, but most notably, The Promise. God promised Abraham the Nations while he was still practically dead.

Again, I see myself in that. I am a fulfillment of The Promise, a Gentile believer, but also a coheir.

^"4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved." -Ephesians 2:4-5

Abraham received The Promise through no merit of his own, but only by the grace of God.

It was an amazing parallel that was drawn in my heart and mind. I'm not sure I fully grasp it or am explaining it well. The words escape me it seems.

As one who is sent forth to herald the Gospel, I am an agent of The Promise. We go out to proclaim the coming of God to the Nations and it is through this Good News that we become true children of Abraham and more importantly, children of the Living God.

^"13Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing:
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!""
-Revelation 5:13

snow day

2009-03-02T11:21:00.004-05:00

OK, time for some lighthearted fun. Everything has been going fantastic up here, but it just got even better. Almost a foot of snow fell yesterday and everything is covered.

I'll throw in some pictures as I post this.

At around noon yesterday, the flakes started to fall, but it wasn't very cold (around 35F). The ground was still mushy and squishy.

As it got later and later, more and more accumulated (kind of how all that works). We had cultural worship in the style of European house churches and it was really cool. It was nice to sing some songs in English. That doesn't make a lot of sense until you sing a lot of songs in a language that isn't your heart language. Your heart language is the language you were raised speaking. For most of us it is English. That is what we were brought up on and how we best relate to those around us.

This panorama is from earlier in the day yesterday. The snow had been falling for a few hours, but again: still squishy.

This morning I went out into the woods. This was the view from my window this morning. I think we are getting used to it at this point. I'm going to miss posting pictures from it to be honest.

The snow on the hill there was around 8" if I had to provide a guess. It was really cool. The wind was super strong and was picking up the powdery snow on top. It provided quite the sting. If you take into account the subfreezing temperatures it was more than awesome.

Getting down to the woods was a bit of a chore, but I managed to arrive safely.

This picture to the left was my primary reason for going down there. I'd been looking for the perfect opportunity to go and shoot it. That opportunity was this morning.

It took a couple of tries, especially with the wind picking the snow up all the time, but I think it turned out pretty fantastic. It was nice to be out there when it was so still (I wish I had made it a little bit brighter, but I'm a total perfectionist).

All this to say, my time here has been truly blessed. I am learning so much about the Father and about myself. I'm being constantly humbled and stretched and grown. Some of the time it's pretty overwhelming, but there He is. Constantly. I am learning about obedience and the cost of following Jesus. It is the truest of joys to find myself in His service everyday I wake.

Please pray:

That God would be glorified in all we do.
That we would continue to focus on the task and do whatever it takes to reach a lost and dying world.
For focus and determination to pray attention and glean all we can from every sessions, doing everything as we would do it for the Lord.
That even now the Spirit would go before us and begin working in people's hearts.
That we would go, pray, and serve boldly.

...and the world was not worthy of them...

2009-02-24T20:00:00.004-05:00

"Everyone in the Bible who followed Jesus gave up something."

This past week has been pretty amazing. There has been plenty of spiritual warfare, but God has been so faithful to me. I feel like I say this all the time, but it has truly blown my mind. There has been a lot going on, so much that I forget how fast life is moving.

I don't realize how drained my introvert side is until I get a chance to slow down. It hits hard then. I have found myself desiring to just spend time alone in thought with the Lord. It has been a really amazing time for me. I've never been amazingly disciplined, but there has been more than sufficient grace.

Except today. I woke up at my usual time and ended up getting about 10 sentences out of my mouth before the sheer exhaustion overtook me. The previous day was incredibly busy and I guess I didn't really realize that I never slowed down until bedtime. My new hypothesis is the preceding plus the following.

We have been learning about God's work among the persecuted brothers and sisters of our faith. I'm wondering if maybe God let me go back to sleep (I haven't felt bad) so I could pay far more attention. It was a really blessed time.

I was really challenged in so many areas of my life. What role does fear play in my life? What would I attempt for the cause of Christ if fear were a non-issue? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to make an impact among the lost? Am I willing to avoid my American tendencies and take the Great Commission to heart? Am I willing to lose the ego centrism? The questions go on and on.

One interesting and challenging thought is an idea concerning freedom to share the Gospel. We are no more free to "share" or "worship" than anywhere else in the world. We are CALLED by God to worship and proclaim His Good News. The real issue becomes whether or not we are willing, not our freedom.

This is a short update, and there is much greater depth to all of this. I would love to talk more about it with you. If you would like that, just let me know by either leaving a comment or emailing me. I don't get a lot of email, and exploring these ideas with you all is one way I feel like we can all understand Christ's call to us and fulfill it with our lives.

Praises and Prayer Requests:

Some of my friends have finally been able to sell their house. Praise God for His faithfulness and provision in all things!
Please pray that we would continue to be refined in our remaining month here and that we would not be distracted from the task at hand.
Please ask the Father that He give us the wisdom and courage to share His Gospel even before we leave that it might become a lifestyle and that people might hear and be saved.
Please pray for us as we process all of this information. There is sooo much, and it is ALL quality, but our minds are so finite. Please ask the Father to just help and strengthen us.
Please lift our families up. The time is winding down, and the reality of leaving is going to be come more and more real as the days/weeks progress. Pray that God would strengthen those we leave and that they would be grown in their witness as well.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

when peace like a river...

2009-02-12T16:35:00.005-05:00

As most of you know, either by reading my previous post or through word of mouth, my mamaw passed away Saturday evening at 5:31 PM EST. My parents are divorced, so I felt like, in essence, I lost a parent. I wasn't sure how I would handle such an experience being in Virginia, but God has been so good to me.

I was able to find a convenient way home and then back to Richmond.

The part that has continuously taken my breath away began on Wednesday or so last week. My mom called me to tell me things weren't looking to good and I really wanted to see God glorified in all of this. I honestly feel like our greatest testimony as believers is calling on God in suffering, not just when we stub our toes or find $5 on the ground. I'm beginning to realize if you want to know something from God you just have to ask Him. So I asked Him what would bring Him glory in all of this. The answer that struck me was, "Share the Gospel."

I wasn't sure what this would look like in practice, but it was definitely looking like one of those things that had the great potential to stretch me and make me super uncomfortable. I'm also learning when God calls you to something, your best bet is to be obedient and allow Him to do His thing.

When my mom called and gave me the news, I knew what I was going to have to do. I almost forgot about it but when I got home I mentioned wanting to say something at the funeral. It was ironic because both my cousins also wanted to participate, so it was like God set the stage for it all. Now, I make no claim to have any sort of speaking prowess, nor to being wise to any degree, but God can do a lot with a willing heart. I think that might give me far too much credit as well.

Fast forwarding a little bit, I knew I would be nervous and emotional so I tried to be responsible and write something down on the computer. Each time it started with, "I have no idea what I am going to say." I tried several times, and looking back, that starting line should have been a hint. I eventually just gave up and figured I'd wing it, and not to test God, but was going to give faith in His provision a shot.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but I know it was on this topic. I kept thinking about what it meant to have people say about someone, "That was 'a life well lived.'" Is it our deeds, prominence, influence, etc. that qualify our lives? If that is the case, there are a great many well-lived-lives out there. I came to the conclusion, quite unsuspectedly, that the measure of one's life is none of these things. The measure of a life is whether or not it is lived in obedience to Jesus Christ.

Nothing matters in light of that.

The funeral was beautiful. God was glorified and everything tied together. We are truly blessed to have such an amazing Savior. I know my mamaw is at peace. She has gone to her Savior's side. It has been hard to mourn, but in spite of that, there has been an amazing peace.

I made it back to Richmond safely. I am surrounded by so many amazing people who have been lifting me and my family up. It is humbling and encouraging in so many ways.

Please pray...

That my family would find the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.
That the Gospel message spoken would take root in open hearts and minds.
That my mamaw's memory would give God glory and that people would see Him in her, not just a "good person."
Thanking Him for surrounding us with so many amazing brothers and sisters in Christ who would set time apart to lift their family members up before the Throne.

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way / When sorrows like sea billows roll / Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say / It is well, it is well with my soul"

well lived

2009-02-08T21:06:00.005-05:00

It seems I am subject to more lessons than I ever imagined.

I have taken a pit stop on my Richmond adventure. Saturday (2/8) my mamaw went to her Savior's side. It has been difficult. I never imagined all of this working out quite like this. My romantic ideas of missions are in shambles and I don't consider that a bad thing.

I definitely miss my mamaw. At the same time, it definitely hasn't hit me that she is gone. There is an amazing peace knowing she is more alive than she ever was in her 78 years on this earth. Christ truly is our hope of glory.

The phrase that echoes in my mind is, "God is good and faithful, even in this." I know it is true. He alone is good. I long to see Him glorified in this. I greatly desire to see people hear the Gospel message even in this time. If Christ is glorified in our lives, then He should also be glorified when we join Him on High.

My mamaw taught high school for 41 years and I am confident that she made an impact on a great many people, a lot of whom don't know Jesus. I long to see people understand Who made her what she was and is now fully. I felt really compelled to share the Gospel during the service, not to glorify my spirituality, but even in death, Jesus is supreme.

I've heard a lot recently about how, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" (John Piper). I have heard it said in a lot of different ways, but most all of them include spiritual warfare. What the enemy intends for our harm, God uses for our good. Even this. I want to see my family (and myself) refined through this.

I have also been learning about prayer through this. All great movements of the Spirit have been preceded by people falling on their faces before God. The only way we survive warfare is by praying and faithfully seeking the Lord. The day she passed away, I realized that me focusing long enough to pray was going to be a miracle in itself. I have been so blessed to find myself among people who made themselves available to pray with me when words and strength escaped me.

It taught me that at the very core of intercessory prayer is the idea of coming along side someone and praying for them in their stead when they lack whatever they need to pray for themselves.

I definitely feel like this is a lot about me in this post. In my defense it is the only perspective I have.

Please pray...

For my family during this time of grief.
That His peace would be evident.
That God would refine us by His power and that His Comforter would be ever present.
That His Name would be glorified during the service.
That He would give us all the words He would have us speak.
That hearts would be open to the Gospel and there would be boldness to pursue answers to questions.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." -1 Corinthians 13:12

morning surprise

2009-02-03T17:46:00.002-05:00

I didn't know it snowed last night until I walked into my kitchen. It more or less postponed Chaco day. Some people here have never heard of Chacos. They are usually the same people who find Chacos disgusting, distasteful, and disasterous. Chaco day is on the horizon.

I have been waking up early to spend some time with the Lord. It has been a good change and has definitely already begun impacting my life. I understand more and more now why people wake up before the sun to devote time to our Creator.

The lessons I have been learning are amazing. Spiritual warfare is so real, and though our sin nature is dead, the enemy still fights us through similar avenues. The victory is ours. Praise God through our Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ!

It has been a truly blessed time. God is teaching me it's more than a feeling in your heart, it's more than head knowledge, it's believing in your soul.

I am definitely being prepared for suffering. I knew that before I left. It was more than on the horizon, but it is definitely being drawn a face. It has been encouraging to know that we are called to suffer and God allows our suffering, so that in our response, our clinging to Him, He might receive glory all the more. That is something a dying world can follow. In all that we do, we are coheirs and victors with Christ, so that in our suffering we can glorify and praise God because nothing in this world has power over us. We are merely mirrors for His glory.

Please pray for all of us here, that we might know Him more. Please pray that we would abide in Him. It is only through Him that we are victorious over adversity, pride, doubt, etc. Please pray for those with whom we come into contact. Pray for open hearts and ears and for Spirit filled conversations. We are called to the nations, but we don't become disciples when we step from a plane. Please consider partnering with me in prayer as well. It would be a huge blessing for all.

from my room

2009-01-31T16:52:00.001-05:00

it's like that

2009-01-30T08:04:00.003-05:00

So I'm finally in Richmond. It has been an incredibly long time coming. After I found out I had to wait till January I buckled down and bit the bullet as it were. Work became increasingly monotonous compared to thoughts of this adventure God has placed before me.

And here I am.

I have been here for around four days, and have already realized that what lies ahead is nothing like what I left behind nor will it be easy by any stretch of the imagination. Yet I find myself in awe of a good and faithful God who calls us out of what we know in order that we might truly know Him. It's a pretty epic sitatuion in which I find myself.

I have already realized an answered prayer of sorts. Awhile ago I realized that I wouldn't be content with just any lifestyle. I began praying that God would make me an apostle. Yesterday we learned that apostles (lower case a) are ones who are called out. It's where we translate missionary. It's amazing how something like that can encourage, and even more amazing how God can use that to further confirm where we find ourselves.

There are so many amazing people here. I long to see all of them succeed in the things into which God has called us. It is only by His power that we will be able to do so and I have a feeling we will be learning that first hand in the coming weeks. It's crazy to find myself among so many people with whom my passions have so much in common. It's crazy yet amazingly refreshing.

I already knew a couple of people before I arrived, but since being here, that number has grown. It's amazing how a common passion can unite people. I am truly blessed. Beyond words.

Please continue to pray for us as we train. God hears our prayers and He is faithful.

I'm going to try to get some pictures up here at some point. So far it's been pretty hectic, but all in due time.

thoughts and farewells

2009-01-19T22:33:00.002-05:00

"It will not do to say that you have no special call to go to China. With these facts before you and with the command of the Lord Jesus to go and preach the gospel to every creature, you need rather to ascertain whether you have a special call to stay at home." -Hudson Taylor

I've been giving some thought to this for quite some time. I don't know what it is, but I certainly wonder if this might be the case. It's just a thought. Thoughts are for processing, but ultimately, we must make decisions based on them. I would encourage all of us to examine Christ's words in the Great Commission and really pray about what it means to be disciples.

"Let us give up our work, our thoughts, our plans, ourselves, our lives, our loved ones, our influence, our all, right into His hand, and then, when we have given all over to Him, there will be nothing left for us to be troubled about, or to make trouble about. " -Hudson Taylor

Those are some thoughts.

This past weekend was really great. I'm down to a week in East TN and then it's off to VA. I have already said most of my goodbyes in Williamsburg and that apparently means it was time to do much of the same in Clinton. Many of my dear friends were in town for the holiday weekend and it proved to be a great time. Playing cards, watching movies, and eating are excellent ways to create lifelong memories. I have been incredibly blessed.

I am leaving a lot of great people behind and venturing into the unknown. God will prove Himself faithful. He always has and always will. These weekends further remind me the cost of following Jesus. My prayer is that I, all of us, will continue to echo the hymn saying, "wherever He leads I'll go." I long to see a generation of students and young people--ALL people--rise up and boldly proclaim the coming of the Glory of God to the ends of the earth. It is consuming me. I know it is something only achievable by God's power and grace and that is my prayer.

As I leave for Virginia I would ask that you would remember me in your prayers. Please also remember my mom, mamaw, and the rest of my family and friends. We serve a great God.

"Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing: "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!"" -Revelation 5:13

'Burgian farewell

2009-01-14T23:43:00.002-05:00

This is something like two posts in as many days. It might actually be just that.

I found myself in Williamsburg, KY today. For those of you who don't know, the 'Burg is home to my alma mater, Cumberland College (now known as University of the Cumberlands). I had the opportunity to see some dear friends. It was a really awesome time of fellowship.

The downside to this was realizing that I am in fact leaving a lot of people I love dearly. God has kept that in perspective for me. That has made all the difference in the world. When I first felt called to this, rewinding way back, I fought it the whole time. Yet, when He began to work on me, He gave me just a glimpse of His glory. It compelled me in a way that fine sounding arguments or coercion never imagined. I speak of it in terms similar to Isaiah, and while I wasn't literally before the Throne of the Most High, my spirit was. It changes things.

So while I'm typing this, I'm also counting the cost. Two years isn't really a long time, but I understand that, unless I'm specifically called elsewhere, this is just the beginning. I'm leaving friends and family, and I somewhat understand that particular price. It's going to suck sometimes, but God's glory is at stake. I may have said this before. I don't mean that if I don't go He won't receive glory, because He will. He will be glorified one way or another. However, He has called us and given us His Spirit that we might reflect His glory. That is evidence of His mercy at work. We were created to worship Him, that is the our source of deepest joy. In His mercy, He has given us once more the privelage of serving Him. His glory is something in which we can invest ourselves. It is something for which we can give our collective and individual everything. All through Jesus' atoning work on the cross, the crowing moment of glory colliding with grace.

His mercy, revealed through His glory, changes things. It changes everything. It gives us reason for existence. It trumps the futility and nothingness that life entails without Jesus at its center.

That never ceases to amaze me. I pray the same for you.

thirteen

2009-01-13T23:24:00.002-05:00

Enough with the numeric titles right? Not yet. I'll stop in 13 days. Then it will say something like "arrival" and everyone will definitely not say something about how poignant that title is, because what is arriving? Do we ever really arrive?

Exactly.

Thirteen days until my time in East Tennessee wraps itself up. I have to say, I'm absolutely stoked out of my mind. I have begun cleaning out my room. This in itself isn't anything noteworthy until I talk about how my room hasn't been cleaned out in like 10 years or so. Maybe never. I have discovered a lot of interesting things during the process. I was going to rank them, but I'll prove myself terribly indecisive if I attempt that.

Several years worth of Sports Illustrated for Kids
1,000,000 lady bugs (maybe just 100,000)
500 cards (I don't throw them away, ask me later; rough count also)
Random rocks I, as a child, thought were cool for some reason
Multiple boxes of the jewelry variety they give you at the jewelry store (my weird kidness should be evident by now)
Quite a few of those black plastic film tubes
A black, pink, and neon green New Kids on the Block hat (this was by far the most epic find; more later)
A not so stretchy Stretch Armstrong. He was more like concrete.
Songs I wrote when I was still in a band. Emo.

I'm not even done cleaning it out yet. That's the craziest part.

In all seriousness, the magnitude of my immediate future is becoming more real to me. God's glory is at stake. It humbles and amazes me that He would choose such fragile vessels to make Himself known. There is a great amount of peace in it all. Saying His glory is at stake is only a small part of the greater picture. He has chosen to use us, but at the same time, the Victory has been won. He will be proven faithful and glorious no matter what.

I have caught but a glimpse of His majesty and it has changed my life. A year ago today, I was wallowing in self-pity and running from everything God has called me to do. I was denying the very purpose for which He created me. He never gave up on me. My running man ways have also hit me recently. It tears me up that I acted like that. His love and mercy were never far behind me. That's the part that leaves me speechless.

"The heavens proclaim His righteousness
and all peoples see His glory." -Psalm 97:6

eighteen

2009-01-08T00:36:00.003-05:00

My time in East Tennessee is winding down. Eighteen days remain.

In the remaining time, I have to keep running and working out. I have to continue my efforts at learning Spanish the best I can. That part actually might be the most difficult. I also have to stay in the Word and make time to spend with God. I'm already learning amidst all that's been going on that the only way I'll make it through this (and be effective) is through Jesus in me.

That part is the most comforting. I will never perform the way that is expected of me. I just won't. Some people will say this is me being a downer, but I'm wholeheartedly disagree. It's only by His strength that I will succeed. My humanity will get in the way and I will fail without Him. I think that might be kind of the point. There can be no doubt, in light of that, that the glory is ALL His.

I'm learning discipline through a trial by fire of sorts. It's a lot easier said than done for sure. After all my friends were in on their breaks, I have to relearn my schedule. Making time and focusing on stuff is something with which I've always struggled.

In general, I could use some prayer about that, but also for my family in general. Last Saturday, my mamaw was readmitted to the hospital after her heart stopped at dialysis. Long story short, In late July she had open heart surgery and things haven't really been the same since. I have been told that the roller coaster ride is only just beginning, but I find myself already having to make tough decisions that many people may not understand. I don't say that to make this about me, ultimately it is all about God. Please keep her and my family in your prayers as I prepare to leave.

In light of all this, God has continued to reinforce His holiness and goodness to me. It has really changed the way I see the world in so many ways. I wish I had effective words to capture it, but, echoing C. S. Lewis, I fear it might be far too specific for words. Either way, it has revealed to me a new perspective on life and the purpose of mine: to proclaim His glory to the nations.

It's amazing to see how He has grown me already, and I know it will only continue. Thank you so much for all your prayers thus far.

the deep end

2008-12-07T20:03:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I find it totally crazy that there is really something out there we call God. When I look into the night sky, science tells me, and I understand slightly, just how far I can see. I understand that those tiny pin pricks of light are, to me, an eternity away. I can see them; they glitter in the darkness and they captivate me. In that same sky, I know I can see the glory of God’s handiwork. I can’t see God though.

That has never been terribly challenging for me for whatever reason. Perhaps it is my upbringing or some of the stuff I’ve been through where He has made Himself evident. I think it is both. Attribution would be difficult without the proper upbringing, and upbringing would (for me, at least) be for naught if I never encountered Him.

Throughout my life, He has sprinkled His glory. Perhaps it only appears sprinkled from my perspective. I know my life should reflect His glory completely. I also know my life has been a constant struggle for glory of my own. I fight His for my own. I know there will come a time, and perhaps it has come and gone, when I will be faced with a decision to give it all or to hold onto myself just a little longer. I honestly hope we are all faced with this decision, and my prayer is that we find the strength to forsake all and follow Him wherever He leads.

My personal desire is to reflect His glory completely. This may not happen until after I die and dwell in His presence, but it is my longing nonetheless. He has revealed His glory to me, though not fully, but enough that I find myself in awestruck wonder. It has set itself up in my heart and that is rather terrifying. We know the stars exist because they shine, but if God exists and shines in us, what does that mean? What does it mean for us? What does it call us to do?

If stars in the sky cause us to gaze in a hypnotic wonder, what should God’s glory in our life cause? That’s a scary proposition. I firmly believe, in a way that is consuming me, that once we behold the Glory of the Living God, we will find that He demands absolute obedience—nothing less than the entirety of our being.

“57As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go."

58Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

59He said to another man, "Follow me."
But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."

60Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

61 Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family."

62Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."” –Luke 9:57-62

I present that because recently people have asked me what I would do if something happened to one of my family members or someone close to me. “What would you do if so-and-so died?” Jesus addresses this concern quite succinctly and I don’t think I would come home. It has been pointed out to me several times that you never know what you will do until a situation arises. That is a fair and valid point. When I read Jesus’ words, He further solidifies that we are a people of another world. Hebrews 11 points out that the world “was not worthy” of those in the Hall of Faith. May our lives have the same value. Tangent aside.

“Let the dead bury their own dead,” and “no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back…” are pretty straight forward. What would the world look like if we took Jesus at His word? So often, Jesus’ words are taken as “good ideas” but not seen as reasonable, especially not in our culture. It always comes back to the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7) for me. Are we willing to lay our pride down and truly love our enemies? Do we really want to seek a life defined by the Beatitudes? Do we? I would encourage everyone to open up to it and read, meditate, and reflect on His words. There are very few ifs or buts, and all of those are not used in exception.

So I wouldn’t come home. I have been called by the Living God. My family has the hope of Jesus in them. I will be living with people who have never heard the Gospel of Jesus. People who on a daily basis might enter eternity without knowing His love and mercy and having never bore witness to His glory. I have been told coming home wouldn’t make me less a person or Christian. I’m not so sure.

“No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom.” Do we take His words that seriously?

It also takes me to another situation in Jesus’ ministry. The story is found in all of the Synoptic Gospels. Jesus is teaching and his mother and brothers are outside. Mark’s Gospel words it this way:

“31Then Jesus' mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. 32A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you."

33"Who are my mother and my brothers?" he asked.

34Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! 35Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."” –Mark 3:31-35

Now, instantly people will start asking me if I really love my mother. I recognize that I am part of a family much larger than the one I live with or near. “5hepredestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves” (Eph. 1:5-6). We see again in Romans, “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father” (8:15).” Who is my Daddy, my Father? It is God the Father by grace through faith in Jesus the Christ.

The more troubling of these ideas about family and forsaking all is in Luke’s Gospel. “25Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. 27And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:25-27). The commentaries I read on this passage refer to loving Christ more. If that is the case, our love for Him must make our affections towards our biological families and even our selves appear as hate. I know how much I love my mom. If this is the case, my love for Jesus must be reckless and selfless in every sense of the word.

Continuing on from Luke 14.

28"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? 29For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, 30saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

31"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

34"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? 35It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
"He who has ears to hear, let him hear." (v. 28-34)

Matthew Henry has this to say about the preceding.

“Though the disciples of Christ are not all crucified, yet they all bear their cross, and must bear it in the way of duty. Jesus bids them count upon it, and then consider of it. Our Saviour explains this by two similitudes; the former showing that we must consider the expenses of our religion; the latter, that we must consider the perils of it. Sit down and count the cost; consider it will cost the mortifying of sin, even the most beloved lusts. The proudest and most daring sinner cannot stand against God, for who knows the power of his anger? It is our interest to seek peace with him, and we need not send to ask conditions of peace, they are offered to us, and are highly to our advantage. In some way a disciple of Christ will be put to the trial. May we seek to be disciples indeed, and be careful not to grow slack in our profession, or afraid of the cross; that we may be the good salt of the earth, to season those around us with the savour of Christ.”

So may we go. May we forsake the pleasures of this world and follow Him wherever He leads. In the early 1900’s the Student Volunteer Movement mobilized 100,000 students toward the cause of Christ. It is a passion I am finding renewed in my life. My desire is to see the world evangelized, to see believers from all peoples shouting and singing praises to God. This won’t happen if WE do not rise up in faith and obedience. I am going to South America as a Journeyman with the International Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention (keep your opinions to yourself). At the interview conference, there were far more girls than guys and I praise God that ladies in my generation are stepping up. At the same time, my heart laments that more guys are taking the backseat to God’s work in the world.

We only get one shot at this. It is time we put aside our American checklists. It’s time to stop pursuing careers, security, and the American dream. It’s time to embrace the cause of Christ in the world: seeing His name glorified above all else. Seeing nations, peoples, communities lead to the Cross in wonder at this Life. It’s time to step up.

His glory should be our motivation. We exist to worship God. John Piper said it best, “missions exists because worship doesn’t.” May His worship and glory be our motivation. May our love for His name compel us (2 Cor. 5:13-14). Creation waits for this (Rom. 8:19). May we embrace the call and go for it!

We have once chance to make a splash that ripples throughout the waters of eternity. Once chance to embrace Him and surrender all. If you’ve ever even considered going overseas. Explore it. Don’t ignore the door just because you aren’t sure if there is light behind it, it could just be Someone standing, waiting for you to knock. The world can’t wait. If you are looking for lights in the sky, put your trust in God first. He will be your guide. Put aside excuses. C. S. Lewis said, “Our passions are not too strong, they are too weak. We are far too easily pleased.”

We need a paradigm shift in our passions—in the things that consume us. If His glory consumes us, we will give it all to see His glory, His Kingdom reign on earth. If His love consumes us, there would be no need for social service, for there would be plenty to go around. If His mercy embraces us, there would be no need for war for forgiveness would reign. May we take His message to the ends of the earth, making “disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them” to obey all that has been commanded (Matt. 28:19-20).

Jesus told this parable about the Kingdom:

“44"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

45"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. 46When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. "” –Matthew 13:44-46

This may be my favorite of Jesus’ parables. Imagine with your heart, what the world would look like if we lived in such a way! I pray we see the Treasure for what and Who He is. We shine in the darkness and will be misunderstood (John 1:5). May we truly go off the deep end.

(This is a constantly evolving piece, a work in progress)

expectations

2008-11-30T19:54:00.003-05:00

Growing up, I had stuffed animals and blankets and all of those things. I think we would call them security blankets. They are something to hold onto in our times of confusion or short-term aloneness/lostness/misguidedness. A friend has described such things (in reference to other vices) as "functional saviors."

I think we do this with our expectations. Rather than giving them to God, laying them at His feet and proclaiming, "God you know best. In you alone will I be comforted," we hold on to them and invest ourselves in them. They go beyond daydreams and move into the realm of expecting.

"This is how it's going to work for me to be happy."

"This is how it needs to happen."

"This is how it will happen."

And if it doesn't happen that way, then what? To whom or what do we turn when that happens?

I praise God that I am learning this lesson now and not later. I was sitting here thinking about all of this, about how I am prone to daydream about things I long for and look forward to, and it came to me.

Jesus wants our expectations. This was revelatory (but I'm not sure it should have been).

All of this in light of the lessons on obedience; it's a lot to swallow. Our expectations, in their own way, take away our reliance on God. When I put my hope in expectations, I say my way is the best. My shortsighted, unknowing way.

It reminds me of John 13 when Jesus washes the disciples' feet. Peter tells Jesus that Jesus won't wash his feet, to which Jesus responds, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me" (v. 8).

Which brings me back to expectations. I want Jesus to take mine. I want to lay them at His feet and put my faith and my hope in Him alone. Not in my daydreams and idealizations. I want all of those things to come from Him.

9"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

10Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean...

I'm still processing this. I'm not sure if Jesus is telling me I'm already clean and He wants me to rely on Him more (this is what I'm leaning towards) or if there's something more. It's some crazy thoughts.

Obedience begets obedience. I think that is a fair statement. I apologize for the incoherent nature of this post.

redefining.

2008-11-27T21:45:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is Black Friday. It is traditionally called this because pretty much all business are in the black. This, as opposed to being in the red, means they actually make money. Guaranteed. Sweet economics right?

In light of everything I've been posting, I think this is only fitting. Tomorrow, I hope Black Friday means something far more than presents and deals to us.

On America's flagship day of consumerism, I hope we remember those who scarcely have a roof over their heads or food on their plates.

This is my prayer.

on the church

2008-11-19T09:21:00.003-05:00

I feel like I am 110% that guy. Not because of what I say, but because what I am saying by not-so-subtly beating around the bush. In the spirit of that, I am going to do so again. This time, perhaps, it won't be so around the bush instead of just wailing on the bush.

Francis Chan wrote a book called Crazy Love and for a long time I didn't read it because I thought it was going to be a lovey dovey book about how Jesus loves us and that sort of thing. The sort of stuff I've heard my entire life. The sort of stuff the American church preaches, totally leaving out the idea of sin and wrath (which makes God's love pretty null, it shouldn't be surprising He loves us if we are all "basically good"). Chan doesn't go lovey dovey (not in the typical sense) either and I love that about his book; check it out.

All of that isn't the point of this note, though some of his ideas will be regurgitated by me.

As I have said previously, God has been teaching me about obedience. About how, if I'm going to follow Him, He wants all of me. Not just part of me, not just the part of me that isn't focused on my career, family, etc., and not just the part that wants to do life "my way." An obvious postulation from there: the essence of disobedience is desiring and striving to do life our way. From here it's pretty easy to go to the point of saying, "well at least I haven't killed anyone, so I'm good."

Psych. Jesus' Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7) all but says we suck (it just doesn't use that word). This note is actually about us, the church, and what we do in "our" churches. I'm getting there.

In the Sermon on the Mount, amidst all this stuff about how our hate and anger is really murder and our checking out the babes/dudes is really adultery, He says a lot of other stuff on how we are to live.

"19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

24"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."" -Matthew 6:19-21, 24

How do we store up treasure in heaven?

"18A certain ruler asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
19"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. 20You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.'"
21"All these I have kept since I was a boy," he said.
22When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
23When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. 24Jesus looked at him and said, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! 25Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
26Those who heard this asked, "Who then can be saved?"
27Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God."
28Peter said to him, "We have left all we had to follow you!"
29"I tell you the truth," Jesus said to them, "no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God 30will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life."" -Luke 18:18-29

In my own community, people are going to bed hungry and without having heard the precious name of Jesus. Hungry and without Jesus. No hope serenaded by a soundtrack of rumblings and pain. Yet so often, we are worried about raises, or the next big program, or paying off debt all while people are starving for hope! God have mercy on us for our blindness!

"14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
18But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.
19You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder" -James 2:14-19

"Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed" is exactly what we say when we shun our hungry brothers and sisters. I say all of this stuff, knowing full well there is so much more I could do. What will it take for us to let go of the world and be poured out? Do we truly desire this world and its "treasures" more than our God?

"4The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 5But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: 6Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."" -1 John 2:4-6

So after we read Matthew 5-7, and examine our lives in light of this passage in 1 John, where does that leave us? This is an all or nothing committment. Jesus doesn't want our leftovers. Do we truly love the our Savior more than our buildings and programs?

John Piper in his sermon The Power to Risk in the Cause of Christ says the following:

The world watching the Christian church is never drawn to Christ by our prosperity. Never. They may be drawn to the church that tells them they can prosper. That’s not being drawn to Christ. What draws people to Christ is people who could have and because they value Jesus more don’t keep. That’s what draws people to Christ…

Our big buildings, our fancy programs, our cool music are not going to draw people to Christ. What draws people to Christ is love, and sacrificial love, love that costs something. The world loves cool music, the world loves big buildings, the world loves successful programs. This is no big deal to try to imitate the world in our churches by having the biggest, flashiest, best does not impress the world at all. They’re way better than we are, even at entertainment. And so why in the world would we not want to make an impact for Christ and call our people to live simply, in wartime for the world.

And here we find ourselves, like the rich young ruler, on a rocky precipice, facing a decision. The outcome doesn't just affect our own souls, it affects all eternity. The people we CHOOSE to neglect are our neighbors, and because of us they might never know the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. We have been given the Words of Life and we add them to our collection of worldly crap.

May we choose obedience, and our subsequent deaths. May our death be a sacrifice, an aroma pleasing to God. May we worship and truly live.

it's kind of early for a countdown

2008-11-13T10:59:00.002-05:00

So, silly me did some math yesterday. At that point it was 73 days until I leave for training. I normally avoid countdowns, but apparently a moment of weakness was upon me for whatever reason. I've also noticed "apparently" has entered my vernacular with force.

So the countdown currently stands at 72.

Seventy-two days until my whole world gets turned upside down. Days where I should be solely focused on learning. I am trying, but I feel like I'm just spinning my tires. My schedule at work is constantly hectic. That may be about to change (new availability form might be in the works). I have to meet certain physical fitness requirements, so I've been running and working out Monday through Friday, running at least three miles (now up to four) on four of the days. That plus work leaves somewhere in the neighborhood of not enough time for Spanish (which needs to change).

More or less I may be losing my mind. I definitely underestimated language learning.

This post itself may be a moment of weakness. I have been reminded of a certain passage in Philippians: "6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (4:6-7).

That's really what I'm looking for, and hazarding a guess, what is on the forefront of most peoples' minds. We want to know that God has it all figured out and under control. Even me, in this moment of stress and ambiguity.

He who called us is faithful. Period.

...And basically I need to buckle down and DO Spanish. Learn, practice, all that stuff. I need to get this schedule garbage worked out though. The real world is distracting me from prepping for the real work. I say that, knowing full well, that the "real work" never begins or ends, but always, always, always occurs in the "real world." It is His work in His world. Praise Him that I'm along for the ride.

And in the spirit of a quote nerd:

"When ours are interrupted, his are not. His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled, moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years which seem most useless or wasted or unendurable) "toward the goal of true maturity" (Rom 12:2 JBP)." -Elisabeth Elliot

"He may delay because it would not be safe to give us at once what we ask: we are not ready for it. To give ere we could truly receive, would be to destroy the very heart and hope of prayer, to cease to be our Father. The delay itself may work to bring us nearer to our help, to increase the desire, perfect the prayer, and ripen the receptive condition." -George MacDonald

all or nothing.

2008-11-11T14:11:00.000-05:00

I've been noticing a trend recently (which might be a generalization). Either way, I've been learning a fair bit about obedience. I would even surmise to say that if God was teaching me anything currently, it would be obedience. It is rather deep a topic, even though it may not appear as such on the surface.

Obedience is far more than do this or don't do that. It is ultimately rooted in love. So, here is merely a collection of thoughts from the Bible and many other places (hopefully; I'm writing this before the creation of the list) on the topic.

"23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." -Jesus in Luke 9:23-24

"5This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

8If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives." -John in 1 John 1:5-10

"6And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." -John in 2 John 1:6

"I think He made one law of that kind in order that there might be obedience. In all these other matters what you call obeying Him is but doing what seems good in your own eyes also. Is love content with that? You do them, indeed, because they are His will, but only because they are His will. Where can you taste the joy of obeying unless He bids you do something for which His bidding is the only reason? When we spoke last you said if you told the beasts to walk on their heads, they would delight to do so. So I know that you understand well what I am saying." -Ransom, "Perelandra" by C. S. Lewis (concerning the planet's "Tree of Life" as it were)

I will offer a small commentary on this particular one. Jesus taught us to do many things, and as the previous verses will atest, our following or not following those reveal much about us. This quote from Lewis shows that there are a great many things God calls us to, many of which we follow out of love for Him, not necessarily because they are great moral truths.

"The cross is laid on every Christian. It begins with the call to abandon the attachments of this world. It is that dying of the old man which is the result of his encounter with Christ. As we embark upon discipleship we surrender ourselves to Christ in union with His death... we give over our lives to death. Since this happens at the beginning of the Christian life, the cross can never be merely a tragic ending to an otherwise happy religious life. When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die. It may be a death like that of the first disciples who had to leave home and work to follow Him, or it may be a death like Luther's, who had to leave the monastery and go out into the world. But it is the same death every time... death in Jesus Christ, the death of the old man at His call. That is why the rich young man was so loath to follow Jesus, for the cost of his following was the death of his will. In fact, every command of Jesus is a call to die, with all our affections and lusts. But we do not want to die, and therefore Jesus Christ and His call are necessarily our death and our life." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "The Cost of Discipleship" (emphasis mine)

This is quite literally the tip of the iceberg. Obedience to the Risen Lord and His Gospel has been hashed out and wrestled with for almost 2,000 years. There is life in obedience. Our obedience to the Cross of Christ is our death to the world, it is our cry that the world has nothing for us and that Jesus is the Way. My prayer is that we might find a new Life flowing forth from the Throne of God--a life that is defined by our sacrifice.

stars in the universe

2008-11-01T01:45:00.003-04:00

I should definitely be asleep right now. I just got home from work after some awesome conversations, but that really isn't the point of this.

I stepped out of my car, and looked up.

And just looked. I got lost. 110% completely lost in it. I was looking for the Milky Way, and the harder I looked the more I was taken into it. The scene was beyond words. Crystal clear nights leave me speechless.

Which somehow connected back to this passage in John. It is Jesus' final message to His disciples before He is arrested. He says,

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." -John 15:19

I wonder if the world loves me. I desire so much to live in such a way that the world will disown me. I don't know what that looks like, but I have an idea. Obedience will cost us our lives (perhaps in every sense of the word).

So as I gaze into the stars it just draws these images into my mind somehow.

"12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16 as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing." -Philippians 2:12-16

May we be caught up in the Splendor of it all--His Glory. May we find the Truth of the Risen Lord calling us to something deeper than we ever imagined.

behold the Lamb, pt. 2

2008-10-26T22:42:00.004-04:00

I once again discover that God never stops communicating with us. I'm fairly (very) confident it has mostly to do with our sensitivity to His voice, which I confess, quite often, falls on a hard heart.

Recently, I have discovered how truly blessed I am, and in the same breath how faithfully God looks after His own. I was hiking and, long story short, I narrowly avoided a potentially serious injury during a solid fall. I won't go into deals for sake of space (and most of you have already heard), but I'm confident at this point, the reason I didn't feel hitting the ground was because there was a Buffer. Even if some magical hand didn't spare me, I was uninjured. 'Nuff said.

This morning, my pastor spoke about the "economic crisis." It's a hot topic. I don't blame him for touching on it. His words were well-founded and insightful. We have nothing to fear.

One of the main things reinforced to me was, and these are my words and my interpretation, that have traded the Pax Christi for the Pax Romana. The Peace of Rome clothes itself in religious language and offers worldly salvation, but ultimately falls far short of its intention. That which does not impart spiritual life can not provide lasting happiness.

Sometimes thoughts come into my head (I don't claim them to be fruits of my brain), and they stick with me. One such thought is the Complacent Path. As mentioned in the last post, it is easy to get on this path when we forget all of the real world examples Jesus gave us concerning how we are to live and treat those around us (Matt. 5-6).

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus offers a better way. His Way trumps societal expectations. I read it and am amazed.

What does it look like to take him seriously? I have a 401k. Jesus says not to store up treasure on earth, but (I think) to spend myself for His Kingdom. Not only that, but during that death to self, that embrace of obedience, I'm basically supposed to avoid drawing attention to myself.

There is life in obedience. It is one of the great paradoxes of the Christian faith (and there are many). Obedience, to the Christian, is death. Death to self, the world, "Rome," and whatever else stands in the way of the Kingdom of God. Our testimony is in how we die. How we die is also measured in our dealings with the world.

Should really be that concerned about the economic crisis? Our treasure is in heaven, "where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal" (Matt. 6:20). The clincher to this, "for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matt. 6:21).

Does "Rome" have our hearts?

Please understand that I am aware of the losses people are suffering. Please do not miss this. I am saying, that life is more than money. It is far more than material happiness. Life is Jesus and Jesus is life. There is no true happiness, no true joy apart from fellowship with the Risen Lord. He will not forsake us! Period. There are no ifs or buts in that statement.

5Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you." 6So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6

I can honestly say, as I continue to learn, that true happiness comes in dying to ourselves and taking up His glorious Cross. We have absolutely nothing to fear. Nothing at all.

(I have hesitated publishing this. My prayer is that it encourages more than it angers and that it doesn't anger at all.)

behold the Lamb

2008-10-21T15:00:00.006-04:00

Again, we have the fruit of more thinking. Hopefully this is consequential. God willing, it will be.

Most of my recent thought processes have centered on the idea that Jesus doesn't just save our souls, but our lives as well. What I mean is that, yes, we are saved for eternity with Him, but we are also saved to live NOW. The process of sanctification is to live evermore as Jesus lived. To serve, to bear witness to His glory, and ultimately spend our lives for His sake.

I feel like a lot of our poor theology is rooted in this over-spiritualization of the Gospel—of Jesus in general. We probably don't literally think Jesus' feet never touched terra firma, but we certainly act as though He had a comfortable buffer of clouds. It's beyond coincidental then, when Jesus Himself says, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head" (Matt. 8:20; Luke 9:58). Clouds must not be sufficient. The further implication I take from this is Jesus must not have had (or needed for that matter) a lot of worldly comforts. It enabled Him to say crazy stuff like, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me" (Matt. 19:21). My instant response has always been, "Well Jesus, you must not be too familiar with my culture. I'm not that 'wealthy.' We do alright, but it's not like 'some people.'"

In that instant, I have disconnected myself to the physical reality of Jesus and expanded the spiritual facts about His coming into the newly freed up space.

In short, I have emasculated the Gospel of the Risen Lord.

It then becomes that much easier to buy into the Prosperity Not-Gospel. Into Neo Gnosticism. All of the emptiness floating around.

It becomes painless to merely attend church on Sundays, sometimes Wednesday night, and the more seldom Sunday night. We do what is required to get by—to punch our ticket, so to speak, and leave it at the door. We wonder why American is going post-Christian. We expect it from Europe, but when it's our kids, then there's a problem.

I'm postulating, that we have given them fire insurance, and nothing more. When Jesus is solely God of our afterlife, we leave little room for Him to be the Lord of our Lives. We give Him room to save us from what we don't like or are afraid of (hell), and never invite Him into our Heart of hearts. We want Him to comfort us in our pain and wonder why we still hurt (infer what you will).

I wonder what will happen when we wake up 30 years from now and realize following Jesus involves more than slapping a plastic fish on our car bumpers? What happens when we realize that the Kingdom is about more than America? When we realize it's about more than voting Republican or being the Christian that votes Democratic? When we truly grasp that Jesus loves people in Jordan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Palestine, Russia, China, North Korea—everywhere. From mega city, to desert, to jungle. What happens then? When we take hold of the sanctity of life from conception to death, no matter the circumstance, no matter the nationality. What does it look like to truly believe an Islamic extremist or death row inmate is never beyond the marvelous grace of God? To truly believe that the man walking down the interstate with his thumb out was beautifully crafted in the image of the invisible Creator?

It changes things.

My heart cries out. It longs to see a generation rise up from a valley of dry bones. To confess with their mouths that Jesus is alive and that He longs for so much more from us—and then to live that out. To embrace a Jesus beyond our wildest dreams. A Jesus who silenced His critics, cleared out a temple, loved the poor, and gave His life as a ransom effectively making peace between God and men. An invisible God made visible to show us a truer, better Way. A Way not marked by complacency, but the sacrifice of short sighed earthly dreams and lives in the realization that "our lives" were never ours anyway.

The idea of dying for Jesus is crazy to us in First Amendment obsessed America. I've heard it said after a certain age your body is constantly staving off death. It's pretty obvious to me that physical death is inevitable. Some places, people are straight up martyred for their faith. We might not, and probably never will be in that situation in America. Every day, however, if we pour ourselves out for our Kingdom—His Kingdom—we are dying. We are dying in the face of the world, in the face of its standards and expectations. In that death, there is life. It is eternal, but it is very now, and something tells me, deep down, that it is more beautiful than anything money, or our minds for that matter, could even conceive. It is the sign of a new Citizenship, a new Ruler, a new Way, a new Life.

I pray more hearts, from their depths, would groan for such things.

...cultured...

2008-10-08T18:09:00.005-04:00

As I've said in previous posts, I've been reading and contemplating a lot of Shane Claiborne's words. It has led me to some specific thoughts and perhaps my most polarizing and controversial post ever. You've been warned.

I have been challenged in many ways. The idea of truly, honestly helping "the least of these" is not a new concept to me. After all, I have been raised in the church. So when someone says "sell all your possessions, give them to the poor, then follow Jesus," my natural response is sometimes to rationalize Jesus' words and other times to say it just isn't possible.

Jesus told us to love our enemies. That's a fine idea until we are wronged. Then what? "It's just not possible, if you only knew..."

Why isn't all of this possible? Jesus said it, He didn't lie. If we truly believe He was who He said He was, then we have a pretty monumental decision to make.

Do we believe Him? Or do we just say we believe Him and then do what we've always done (which is really saying, "You're wrong.").

I find this next part the most compelling. We listen to Him, or we don't, but either way, in our own way, we say His words are impossible. I agree. They are. I don't mean this from a "grace for living" kind of way, more from a change of perspective kind of way.

I definitely think Jesus' teachings are possible, but here's what clenches it; they aren't possible if we embrace the entirety (maybe any) of our culture.

When Jesus came, He didn't come to overthrow the worldly empires (Matt. 4:8). He came to establish His own, one Other-Wordly in nature (John 18:36).

Every nation/country has a culture tied to it. Why is Jesus' any different? It is very hard to love the homeless, when United States culture says "charitable giving" is good because it just is. Perhaps the only reason is because it's kind of expected or maybe because people just want to be seen as philanthropic. Both ultimately come down to others' perceptions of us.

Jesus said to love our enemies, yet we seem really anxious to stick a needle in their arm or blow them up, respectively. Yet, who is our neighbor? It is anyone around you. In fact, when Jesus told the parable of The Good Samaritan, the person in need was helped by the person least likely to offer assistance (Luke 10:25ish). To take that a bit further, when Jesus talks about your enemies, He commands us to love them (Luke 6:25-36).

My point is this, it's not possible if we consistently pursue the things of the world. Furthermore, I would say it's quite difficult if we don't recognize our place in Jesus' Kingdom. Meaning, light and dark have no place with each other--just like we can't serve two masters.

I'm not saying we shouldn't pursue justice for the least of these via channels currently in place. I am saying, however, that we should recognize a fine line marking our place in U.S. culture and that the "American Way" is more than fallible.

Do we love the Cross of Jesus more than our national pride? Are we ready to declared unpatriotic because we would go against the grain? I think these are all very valid questions to ask, and questions I'm asking myself.

I want to see His Kingdom come. I want to see a movement of justice and mercy snowball out of control. I want to see the world consumed with praises to Jesus. I will accept nothing less.

I want to learn how to live in Jesus' Kingdom, how to love as He loved, to live as He lived, to... I guess this is where we all get hung up. Part of living as He lived means we might have to die as He died. Yet, I don't think this should be scary.

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." -John 12:24

This Kingdom is revolutionary, but not in the traditional sense (see John 15). The more I learn about it, the more I find myself speechless.

Here's to another potentially incoherent rambling...

...and the world was not worthy of them...

2008-09-29T21:09:00.003-04:00

Those words haunt me.

Ever since I first read them, they inspire in me a sense of wonder.

Hebrews 11 is considered to be the Hall of Faith. It touches on all the big names in the Bible and, in passing, mentions many more. Their faith is the key to their existences. By their faith they did the "impossible."

"...the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground." -Hebrews 11:38

The writer of Hebrews goes on to say that none of these people received what had been promised to them. It is with us that they are made perfect.

All of this has a point.

I have given a lot of thought recently to what it "looks like" to be a Christian. I know the implications of following Jesus and those play a large role in this. I would be quite short sighted if I failed to mention that Jesus arrived on scene in a very tumultuous period of Jewish history.

The people wanted a revolution--to overthrow the Romans. In many of their eyes, Jesus didn't fit the bill.

Yet He did.

When God called Israel to be set apart, He meant for them to be in contrast to the way of the world. That's why there were not given a king. God was their King. I suspect this is the reason for many of their laws.

I've been reading Jesus for President recently which has inspired many of these ramblings.

It has challenged me to look at how we live and "do church" today.

Jesus is the ultimate fulfillment of the entirety of the Old Testament. Israel failed to live up to their call. They sought a King and legalism over God and mercy.

Yet, in Jesus, we have been called to be the ultimate fulfillment of the Kingdom on earth.

We are to stand in stark contrast to the way of the world. In light of greed, slander, jealousy, strife, we are to be mercy, forgiveness, and love. We are to be selfless.

I'm not totally sure what this looks like in practice. I am pretty sure I'll know it when I see it though. I can't imagine it would be easy to overlook. I want to live like that.

What might the world look like--the church look like--if we lived in such a way that the world was not worthy to have us upon it. What would happen? Is it possible?

I hope it is. I want to live this way. If I read around verse 38, the way to accomplish this seems to be quite costly. It will most likely cost whoever chooses that Way everything.

Something tells me it's supposed to be like that. I don't have a problem with it.

Hebrews 12, therefore, seems to be some pretty intense encouragement.

I'm afraid, currently, the world is worthy of us. I pray we choose a different, better Way. That we wouldn't be caught in the trappings of the Complacent Path, but would choose the Narrow Way. My hope is that we might echo the words of Wendell Berry: "By Thy wide grace show me Thy narrow gate." Perhaps then we can, as Berry put it, "Practice resurrection."

When I think about society like this, standing in contrast to the world, it puts the Gospel in a new light. A light that has a greater air of significance than I could ever have imagined. There is a purpose in it. More purpose than I ever imagined possible.

does God make a splash?

2008-08-31T00:32:00.007-04:00

Let's see how this works. If you are from Southeastern Kentucky or East Tennessee this will make a lot more sense perhaps. If not, just bear with me.

There is a place near Williamsburg (where I went to college) called Laurel Lake Baptist Camp. At LLBC, right next to the camp on the lake, there is a cliff. I've only jumped off two different cliffs into water in my life, but of the two, this one is by far the best. You can look out over the lake and all you see is trees and water. It's a man made lake so you can see the contours of the used-to-be hills jutting out of the water. As far as you can see to the left and right, there is lake. On and on.

The best days to go are in August I've found. The water is at a nice level so the bank isn't exposed all the way around the lake. The temperature hovers at around 85 degrees and the humidity is all but unbearable. There's something special about late summer days in the region formerly more like Appalachia. The light breezes and the cicadas add a notable touch. It is my home, and always will be no matter where I end up on earth and until I leave it altogether.

The trail down to the cliff is rather steep. It's a meandering strip of dirt that has been weathered into a sort of ditch by all the rain. It drops you out on a a flat rocky precipice roughly 30 or so feet in the air. The rock itself is probably 20 feet across the front and it juts out a bit giving you perfect clearance over the face as it falls into the water. There is about 15 feet from the base of the hill to the edge of the cliff. Just enough to get a solid running start, should you so choose.

Looking down to the right you can go down another dirty, gravely trail and get to a big solid rock beach of sorts. It is irrelevant to this whole thing unless of course you want to jump again. Returning to the main part of the cliff, once you jump off, you have a fair amount of time to think about what is about to happen. Not much though. Once you surface, you can sit on a rock that is "under" the main part of the cliff and watch other people jump or you can climb up a rope about 50 feet away which returns you to the previously mentioned rock beach trail. It allows you to get to the top again.

I say all of that to draw out an illustration. The first time I went to LLBC, I had no idea what to expect.

A lot of times in my walk with God, I have no idea what to expect (I would actually say most of the time). Because of that I historically turn inward and try to rely on myself and my self-preservation. I find this translates to more than my relationship with God. It goes to all of my human interactions and beyond. In our fear of really living, we go for what we can control. It's nothing but a cheap imitation.

I am discovering quite consistently that the more I choose to let myself go, the more I choose to let God reveal His power and glory in my life, the more I am free to live. This has been a recurring theme recently. I may end up in places I never imagined, but I will be Alive.

Sometimes I find myself saying, "God, You are crazy! But I love it, and I love you." His ways are so unlike mine, but there is life in them. Abundant life.

So there's this poorly trodden, slightly eroded dirt strip down the side of some benign looking hill. Part of the way down, a tree lies across the path. Yet, God is calling us forward. As the trail dribbles out onto the rock, a huge grin stretches across His face and He bolts forward before we have a chance to think about jumping. Before we know it He is enjoying the rush and the excitement.

I am pretty sure I would stand there, also smiling, and just shake my head. It's quite obvious He knows something that we don't. The real question is whether or not we are going to jump and find out what it is.

I'm not sure I want to just stand there shaking my head, even if I am smiling. I want to jump with my Friend.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." -Jesus

neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night...

2008-08-28T18:00:00.004-04:00

Some of you know the title of this post is the mantra of THE United States Postal Service. It's very poetic. Very, very poetic. I'm not under the impression that driving on the wrong side of your car ends up being that poetic day in and day out.

I think the length of the average Earth day can stop the mail. Sometimes I wonder if my mail person is trying to find out. I don't get the mail till 3 p.m. I am under the impression that everyone else gets their mail at noon. Not a minute sooner, and definitely no later than one. In an attempt to avoid being critical, I'm willing to reason that the length of my road is the primary reason my mail arrives so late.

Today, I checked the mail twice. Almost thrice if need be, but twice was sufficient.

I got my letter. Looks like in the near future I'll be going to South America for awhile.

There's a quote floating around out there that says quotes are for the uninspired. I think thats a load of poo. If someone else said it well already, is it necessary to say the same thing, most likely less poetic, using different words? The quote I am choosing to reference can be found first in a movie, my favorite movie believe it or not. If you haven't seen The Shawshank Redemption, go see it RIGHT NOW. I'm serious. It didn't win Best Picture in (I believe) 1994 without reason.

"I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still, or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey who's conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."

I won't ruin the entirety of the film for you, but one of the main characters says this after finding freedom and pursuing it (thats abbreviated). I think it really captures the excitement he feels in light of the risk. It's kind of how I feel now. I don't long to see the Pacific, but I have these mental images of what my own "Pacific" might be like and I wonder.

And I think about all the amazing things God is going to show me. I long to learn from Him and know Him more. I hope this adventure is everything my heart tells me it will be. I hope.

I think ultimately, and this is a tangent, these are things that make the Gospel of Jesus so crazy and amazing all wrapped into one. There is freedom, there is hope, and there is excitement just to polish it all off. These are not necessarily the essences of the Gospel, but I certainly think they are important. They seem of utmost importance in light of our anxiousness and nervousness. A lot of times, it is the hope, excitement, and freedom that keep us going.

I would love to hear some thoughts on this in particular.

I'm so excited to see what God is going to do in me and through me over the next two years. It boggles my mind that He would want to use someone as crummy and jerkish as me. Grace is amazing (that sounds familiar).

John Newton, the famous hymn writer (see a trend?), put it this way. "I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am" (emphasis mine).

ribs, potatoes, corn on the cob, and fried okra

2008-08-24T19:42:00.002-04:00

In previous thoughts I have made note concerning the spiritual nature of all things. Every event of note, at least, has some spiritual element to it. Sometimes I find it best to just stand back and record those moments into your mind. It is much easier to do this when you realize the event is unfolding in front of you.

One of my best friends from life has been in town this past week and he wanted to have ribs today for lunch. I'm really not much of a rib eater, but I am a food eater and that's usually enough to get me anywhere. I didn't realize the events transpiring before me, but when the moment arose it was pretty amazing.

After church all nine of us went to the house and just hung out. I took a nap because working late at work then getting up early will do that to you. I woke up to a house full of people (the other eight) talking, joking, cooking, and all of the other things that make house into homes and groups into "communities."

Community has long been something central to the practice of the Gospel. A group of people coming together to celebrate, mourn, or whatever--ultimately to support and enjoy the company of one another. I think this is something that has been lost in my generation of cheap grace and sloppy spirituality. True fellowship/community is something that must be sought after, dug for, and fought to keep.

If you aren't from the south then you probably won't understand what it smells like when someone fries okra. It's somewhere in between perfect and heaven. Seriously. Add potatoes and corn cooking, plus the smell of freshly smoked ribs and there is no comparison.

We sat down at the table, and it was snug. It wasn't that bad kind of snug where you are holding your elbows in trying to avoid elbow dropping your tablemates. It was the kind of cozy that my idealism trumps up when I think of the early Church having all things in common. Plates and bowls were being passed in all directions, bread was being torn and napkins were being requested. It was amazing. Furthermore, if you've never had a meal where a big loaf of bread was passed around and people had the opportunity to tear off what they wanted you are missing out. It's an amazing thing if you really just look at it from a different perspective--one that involves knowing people as deep friends.

When it was time for the blessing, my (pretty much) adopted dad prayed and thanked God for all his adopted children at the table. This moment gave me pause. I have always considered the people around that table part of my larger family. To the point that I would call them family and do anything for them. To have someone lay claim on you out of love is a pretty powerful experience. Furthermore, it gave me a brief snippet of what it might be like at that Great Feast in Heaven.

We are all adopted into His family. We find ourselves around His table because He loves us. There is no price we could pay to find a seat there. It amazes me. So when I sat back today and enjoyed the fellowship of true friends, it was like looking through a hazy mirror at something much deeper happening. It brought joy to my heart.

There is something truly special in this life. I have found it. There is no greater blessing than knowing Him. None. Period.

Jacob was a wrestlin' machine

2008-08-21T22:12:00.002-04:00

I like to start blogs with 'I' statements or sentences that begin with 'so.' I would break tradition now, but it's too late.

Recently, I have grown to love my God more and more. It's fantastic for sure. In these moments you begin to appreciate the Biblical heroes a bit more than you thought possible. Words on a page become real people who did some crazy stuff, but were shown grace through it all.

October was going to be a huge month for me. Great adjectives: stoked, excited, enthused, etc. I found out though, October might be spelled 'January.'

God has been teaching me about His daddy side. Trust is one of my vices. I find it hard to truly trust anything or anyone. It's a speed bump, I won't lie. This goes back to my previous post. They are integrated on a very, very deep level.

I had put my trust in the plans that were in place, not God. That could be a pretty solid way to look at the situation. This all got turned on it's head due to, I won't say logistics, but things similar.

Johnathan threw a fit.

A humongous temper tantrum.

I really felt like, in the midst of God teaching me about His daddy-ness, He let the rug be pulled out from under me. These were plans I was hanging my hat on so to speak. Yet here I was clueless on what to do. I think, at this point, deep down, I knew God's hand was in the mix.

I wrestled, cried, got super mad, all of it. Why would God bring me to this point only to put it on the brink?

Answers, I find, are always closer than I can imagine. First this. One of my favorite quotes is from Johnny Cash. "My arms are too short to box with God." I think that's fantastic. I find that my arm length doesn't even discourage me from being a brat. At all.

I ended up getting a better explanation of the whole situation, and something in me was reaffirmed. I know this is the path I am on. Not only that, it is the path that is "right." Back to that deep definition of right that is beyond just good right now. This is "it."

I know now that even when the rug is pulled out from you, that doesn't diminish your Daddy's presence. At all. I thought He let it be pulled from under me, and maybe He did. However, the purpose is so much bigger than me. I don't think it was a "test" per say, more of an example.

He is there.

Even when our rugs are sliding all over the place, and we question His presence, He is there. His hand is in it and He has no intention of abandoning us. This is a lesson I am learning slowly.

Right now, I hope for grace. My bratty behavior showed a lot about me. My head hangs a little lower currently, but I know God is good. Turns out my Daddy can be trusted after all.

fire vs. fire

2008-08-18T18:11:00.003-04:00

I've been reading a pretty fantastic book recently. There's a fair amount of irony. It is written from a counseling perspective and I almost went for a Masters in that very subject.

It is been a really challenging read. I mean that on multiple levels (there's never just one level to most things).

The book is MAINLY about intimacy but other stuff as well. I really feel as though God is teaching me and challenging me through it. I am definitely not complaining. At all. When God teaches and challenges me I find that it hurts. Well sometimes more than others, but this is one of those times where it really does.

I am realizing all the more that wanting to be loved is a human desire. It might not be "good" though. It is a self-centered act. That means, all the more, the love of God is something so much greater. It is so profoundly other-centered that it leaves our desire to be loved wallowing in its own selfish desire. Some people will disagree with me on this, but I think it makes sense.

I want to love with that kind of love that finds its fulfillment in loving another more than self. Ultimately people will let us down, but living to serve another is not dependant on whether or not they validate us the way we desire. It is built on fulfillment through selflessness. Only you can let yourself down; however, I imagine there is joy in the journey, in the learning and striving.

I am beginning to see now that all of our desires to be validated in the way WE want and loved in the way WE desire come not from the way things are supposed to be. It is not bad to be validated or desired, but to make someone the fulfillment of that most certainly is. These longings aren't created from rough circumstances, they are created from our dark hearts.

It is crazy to think that the reasons I've used for the longest time don't really amount to much.

They are excuses, cop outs, lame scapegoats.

I want to love like Jesus did. The danger, fear, and risk of living selflessly for another and for God are worth it. It is worth it far beyond what I comprehend now.

It hurts because God is revealing the degree of my depravity. It is scary to come face to face with the darkness that dwells in you. There is security in the Arms of Grace, of that much I am sure.

God may we face the the width and depth of the darkness in our hearts and truly understand what it means to be redeemed. May we remember and once again realize the joy of living to please You and You alone. May that be all the fulfillment and validation we need.

i never love first

2008-08-10T21:59:00.000-04:00

It seems that some of the most profound realizations of my life come to me in some of the times when I am seeking the most. After I typed that sentence I realized how obvious of a statement that was. It was going to be a ton more poetic, but I'll take the epic fail.

A lot of you know I have made a pretty big decision. Some of you don't, but there will be a time to discuss such things. In the mean time, I have been counting the cost of said decision. From missing one of my all-time best friend's weddings to everything in between, there is a price we pay for decisions. Even now, my mamaw is in the hospital and the future (from my perspective) is uncertain. A tangent: you could pray for her and that would be fantastic.

I have been enjoying a lot of time with my friends recently and the thought of missing so much time with them is hard. I know time doesn't stop just because someone goes away for awhile. On the same note it doesn't speed up, but we never think of it in those terms.

Either way, on my way home tonight, I did some thinking. I thought about life (wow) and all the things I mentioned previously. We are all faced with amazingly hard decisions. Sometimes we are presented with amazing, crystal clear opportunities to embrace those decisions. When the feelings fade, we may find ourselves in a place that is unfamiliar.

Or painfully familiar.

It's going to be hard. Time passes. Friends get married. People change. All that stuff happens. I am wondering when everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, talks about a relationship with Jesus if they aren't being 110% serious in every way.

At least from my perspective, this seems totally right. There are a lot of times in my relationships when I don't "feel" like doing something, but I know deep down it's really the only option. Sure, there are other "easy" options, but none of them are "right." I mean "right." Good, wise, honorable, all that stuff. Not necessarily the one that is "best" as far as my success goes. Or comfort for that matter.

I suppose these choices are also the ones that show us and those around us what we really believe. Is comfort more important than our Jesus? Is Jesus our ATM? Are we so nearsighted that we forget other people never get to hear His name or experience His hope and joy and peace?

These feelings scare me. I don't want to succumb to the temptation of comfort. I almost did it once and doing it again would prove disastrous. It's hard to go to the one place you know you need to be when the place you come from is rooted in your heart.

my story

2008-08-02T20:49:00.002-04:00

I figured it was about time that this story should be written. It is a story very familiar to me, because it is my own. I have not shared the details of it previously for several reasons. The most pressing of which is that I haven't really felt any kind of motivation to type it all out other than to remember it for myself. It has been a kind of jewel that I gaze into and wonder and awe at before putting it away and cherishing its presence.

The story has its origins a long time ago in my life. Some of my earliest memories in church are of missionaries. That never seemed very relevant until recently. When I was in high school, I felt God calling me to something. I don't remember at the time if I declared it ministry or missions or what, but it didn't go unheeded. I went to college (as English Comp. I documents testify) with the purpose of pursuing missions. It wasn't until a year or so in that this became muddled and confused, but it happened nonetheless. By my senior year, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life or if it even included ministry. I ended up getting into a pretty serious (and pretty misguided) relationship and did everything I could to avoid God. After the breakup and a pretty intense ride on an emotional roller coaster, I once again found myself on a Great Precipice.

I began filling out the application to become a Journeyman. I found myself in heart pourings with a friend about the Nations and what it looked like to follow Jesus to the ends of the earth. Once again, I was preparing to jump.

In college, I had the opportunity to go to Poland for a summer. Aside from all the summer camp moments I had there, God really opened my eyes to the need for laborers across the globe and the sheer amount of lostness present.

I once again found myself pondering such thoughts. Apparently I didn't ponder them enough. I began the application (also) and was accepted to Carson-Newman to pursue a Masters in Counseling. Take note that I dropped psychology as part of a double major during my undergrad years. It occurs to me now that I fought it all every step of the way.

I fought it to the point, that when I was invited to the Journeyman interview conference, I was 85% sure I wasn't going. I was going to go to grad school, get my degree, get my wife, get married, get my house, and face my greatest fear of being a nominal Christian and hopefully find a happy medium (as if one exists). I went from wanting to avoid waking up when I was 40 and realizing my life didn't count for much, to not wanting to wake up when I was 40 and realizing I never had a real adventure. There is a stark deception in those two realizations, one that stinks of complacency.

Tuesday evening, a letter was read from a resigning missionary couple who realized their motives were all wrong. Once on the field, in the midst of culture shock, romanticism, despondency in America, and a need for adventure weren’t enough to keep them on the field. Ultimately, poor motivation wasn't enough to keep them there.

Something about all this really impacted me. It broke me in a very real way. Nothing physical other than the aching in my gut. It was as if a long held idea was being shattered. Now, if I harken back a bit, there was a time in my life when my motives for serving overseas seemed (to me at least) as pure as the driven snow. I find that hard to believe in retrospect (though at one point they were at least "purer," if that even makes a difference).

Come Wednesday, I found myself completely broken. I was 99.99% sure I wasn’t going and it hurt. Something about it hurt. I found myself in a place where all of my ideas about mission work were in jeopardy. The romanticism, the adventure, none of it would keep me on the field when it all hit the fan and the going got tough.

I began struggling with the idea of a call. What does it mean to be called? I looked to Isaiah's call:

"1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."
4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. 7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"" -Isaiah 6:1-8

When I think about the call of Isaiah, a few things stand out. The first is that God calls Isaiah AFTER he is cleansed. I saw in myself the roots of selfishness and complacency. Previous to this, I was totally ready to go to grad school. I didn’t really even want to go to the conference, but chose to in an attempt to be "open minded."

Throughout Wednesday, I sought guidance from all sorts of people. Everyone was amazingly encouraging and was more than willing to talk even if it was me rambling. The whole day, I was down about the whole prospect. Why would God bring me somewhere to tell me I wasn’t going to go anywhere all in the first day and a half? It didn’t make sense to me and made my heart ache all the more. I felt a burden for the way I had been thinking, for my motivations, and the like. Why should mission work be used to validate my spirituality? Why should it be a means for me to be validated as a person in general?

I felt in my heart a need to repent. Praise God that He shows us our sin so we might become more like Him! From this point on, I began to notice the excitement of those around me. They were pouring through notebooks finding jobs and making contacts, but I still felt like none of the jobs interested or fit me. I began to remember the passion I had for going in days gone by and it began to eat at me. Their passion was infectious, not to the point of peer pressure but that it reminded and refreshed me.

It started slowly at first, but once it gained momentum I realized that I indeed wanted to go. I didn’t know where, and I was afraid that my time wasn't yet. The desire steadily grew within me, not in an overwhelming emotional way, but a peace and calmness. I was still examining everything under the light of “what would keep me on the field.” At this point I was having little success. I began to ponder on the idea of availability. I had been looking for lights in the sky or some crazy feeling and it wasn’t looking good for either of those.

I wondered if maybe Isaiah didn’t realize he was available until he was standing before the Throne. Here is a guy who is standing in the presence of the Lord. He has had a significant encounter and God purifies him and asks him a simple question, “who will go for us?” I can’t help but imagine Isaiah thinking, “well, I’m available and I really do want to go…” all before he manages to say, “Here am I, send me.”

This is what I felt. I was available, and SOMEONE has to go. To reach the ends of the earth, you must journey, and I found myself in a place where I wanted to go. But ultimately, even wanting to go will not keep you there once everything falls apart.

This realization, the call of God will. If I didn’t go who would? Could I really hang my hat on the idea that someone else would go in my stead? What does that say about me? God is speaking to me and I am responsible for that. Even if someone went in my stead, that would mean someone else might never hear the Gospel.

Ultimately the evangelism of the world is our responsibility. The Great Commission is called that because it is US on mission with God. It hit me like several tons of bricks. That would keep me on the field. Even in the darkest times, I would be there because they need Jesus, and because Jesus said, "go." Nothing less than this would be adequate. It was a calling.

I still had to find a job. I began looking through the books and found a couple of projects that were interesting and I wrote them down. The night security guard, James Campbell came through one of the rooms. He proved to be a wellspring of encouragement. He mentioned Xtreme Teams which harkened back to my days of “purer” motives. I pointed out my lack of physical prowess (at the time I was out of shape) and he proceeded to encourage me and pointed me to Psalm 97.

On Friday (that morning was the time to make final decisions, as in prior to 1pm), I proceeded to talk with the South America representatives and finally felt some encouragement to proceed in this direction. I wrote it down and can honestly say it was the first project I felt something towards. There is incredible lostness all across our planet. I wonder why God called me to Peru, I wonder why He should choose me at all. He alone knows.

An amazing peace flowed from submitting to this decision. I know there will be some amazingly hard days to follow, but God is with me. In His goodness, He will never let me alone. Praise Him for that! I am reminded of a particular part of The Shawshank Redemption. Red is on his way to Fort Hancock and narrates these words, “I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still, or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey who's conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”

I find myself on a long sojourn where the destination is uncertain, but the Guide is true and faithful. This very moment is a culmination of 23 years of life. How I get here, again, only He knows, and if it remains that way, the glory is His. No matter what happens, the glory is His.

"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory." -Isaiah 6:3b